Shopiom wrote:
Dark Grapefruit wrote:
Ask me if I am a grapefruit.
OK.
Are you a grapefruit?TWO YEARS LATER
No.
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| Author: | The Brothers E [ Thu Aug 26, 2004 1:01 am ] |
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Why did the elephant wear red sneakers? -To hide in the strawberry patch! Why did the elephant wear red nail polish? -To match the red sneakers! Why did the elephant wear blue sneakers? -The red ones were in the wash! Why did the elephant wear yellow sneakers? So he could hang upside-down in a jar of mustard and not be noticed! ------- What does an elephant have in common with a sparrow? They both can't ride a bicycle! |
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| Author: | BucketHand [ Thu Aug 24, 2006 5:05 pm ] |
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I love those stupid sequence jokes: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side Why did the rooster cross the road? It was in love with the chicken Why did the duck cross the road? To pay off his bills Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off Why did the cow cross the road? It heard the grass was greener on the other side Why did the horse cross the road? The cow owed him five bucks Why did the farmer cross the road? To get his animals back! And here's another one: Why did the koala fall out of the tree? Because it was dead Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? Because it had been duct-taped to the first koala Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? Peer pressure Why did the tree fall over? It thought it was a koala |
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| Author: | Dark Grapefruit [ Thu Aug 24, 2006 6:26 pm ] |
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Shopiom wrote: Dark Grapefruit wrote: Ask me if I am a grapefruit. OK. Are you a grapefruit?TWO YEARS LATER No. |
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| Author: | ready for prime time [ Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:33 pm ] |
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ooh! i heard one! a woodcutter went to the hardware store and said, "my axe is all blunt. have you got a new one?" and the clerk says, "this just came in today! it's called a chainsaw! it'll cut down a tree in two minutes!" so the woodcutter buys it, and goes back to the forest. he tries to cut down a tree, but finds it extremely difficult. so, he goes back to the store and says, "this isn't taking two minutes, it's taking two days!" so the clerk pulls the cord, and the woodcutter says, "hey, what's that noise?" |
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| Author: | Mini Moose n gir [ Thu Aug 24, 2006 11:39 pm ] |
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okay okay... here it goes. Two dudes were walking down the street with their dogs.One man hada chiwawa and the other had a german shepard. They decided to get something to eat. But when they came to the restraunt the door said "no pets". One man turned to the other and said "I have an idea" He took out some sunglasses and walked into the restraunt and everyone thought he was blind. The second guy put on some sunglasses and did the same. When the second man got inside, the manager said "im sorry sir, there are no pets aloud in here" and the second man said "but im blind." The waiter looked at him and said "you have a chiwawa sir" the second man screams "THEY GAVE ME A CHIWAWA!!!!" HAHA tis funny 
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| Author: | StrongRad [ Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:08 am ] |
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Mini Moose n gir wrote: okay okay... here it goes.
Two dudes were walking down the street with their dogs.One man hada chiwawa and the other had a german shepard. They decided to get something to eat. But when they came to the restraunt the door said "no pets". One man turned to the other and said "I have an idea" He took out some sunglasses and walked into the restraunt and everyone thought he was blind. The second guy put on some sunglasses and did the same. When the second man got inside, the manager said "im sorry sir, there are no pets aloud in here" and the second man said "but im blind." The waiter looked at him and said "you have a chiwawa sir" the second man screams "THEY GAVE ME A CHIWAWA!!!!" HAHA tis funny LOL Jerry Clower Well, ok, maybe you heard it somewhere else, but I've heard him do that before.. Here's a visual joke. It's on the door of one of the optics labs where I used to work (I left 2 days ago). 
A lot of people pass by the sign without giving it a second look. Those that give it the second glance laugh. |
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| Author: | Bugkiss [ Fri Aug 25, 2006 12:16 am ] |
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I've got a joke. A woman walks into the vet's office with her pet parakeet. She explains that she just got it, and now she doesn't now what's wrong with it. The vet takes a look at the parakeet and says, "Your parakeet is dead." The woman replies, "Dead? How could he have died? I just got him. I don't believe you." So the vet says, "I'll prove it to you." He whistles loudly, and in walks a cat, who strolls up to the parakeet and sniffs it. The cat looks up at the vet with a sad look on its face, signaling that the bird is dead. "See? Your bird is dead." "I still don't believe you," says the woman. So the vet whistles again, and in walks a big, black labrador retriever. The dog strolls up to the parakeet, sniffs it, and looks up at the vet with a sad look on its face, signaling that the bird is dead. "Alright, I believe you now," says the woman. The vet says, "Okay, here's your bill." The woman looks at the piece of paper in shock. "$3,000 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet replies, "Hey, it would have been a lot cheaper if you hadn't asked for the KAT scan and the lab report!" |
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| Author: | Shopiom [ Fri Aug 25, 2006 1:36 am ] |
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Dark Grapefruit wrote: Shopiom wrote: Dark Grapefruit wrote: Ask me if I am a grapefruit. OK. Are you a grapefruit?TWO YEARS LATER No. Whoa. Took you long enough. |
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| Author: | Acekirby [ Fri Aug 25, 2006 1:48 am ] |
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You saw it before in Teff's avatar, but here's the full size version of the pic, so you can read the text near the bottom. 
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| Author: | The Snork [ Fri Aug 25, 2006 3:14 pm ] |
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A duck walks into a bar. He asks for some grapes, but the bartender, as one would expect, doesn't have any, so he tells the duck to go home. The duck walks into the same bar the next day, asks for some grapes, and gets shooed away again. The duck repeats this routine for the following month, until the bartender finally can't stand any more. "No, I don't have any grapes, and I never will have any grapes! Now quit coming here and asking for them or I'll nail your beak to the floor!!" So the duck asked: "Do you have a hammer?" "Well, no..." "Do you have any nails?" "No, I don't." "Do you have any grapes?" Two hunters are out in the woods. One of them falls over; his eyes are rolled back and he doesn't appear to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and panickedly calls 911. He yells out, "My friend is dead!!" The operator calmly says, "Don't panic. Now the first thing we need to do is make sure that he's dead." There is silence. A shot is heard. ... "Okay, now what?" |
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| Author: | Cybernetic Teenybopper [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:32 am ] |
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A man walks into a dentist's office. "Doc, you've gotta help me!" the man says. "I think I'm a moth!" "You don't need a dentist," replies the dentist. "You need a psychiatrist." "I know," replies the man. "So why did you come in here?" the dentist asks. The man replied, "Because the light was on." BA-DUM-PISH! |
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| Author: | topofsm [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 7:55 am ] |
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a lake? Bob! What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub? Stu! What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs being pulled on a lake by a boat? Skip! What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil! What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art! What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt! Meh, they're better said aloud. ------------------------------- What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants going over the hill? "Wow, there are elephants going over the hill" What's the difference between a grape and an elephant? One's purple and one is grey. What did Jane say when she saw elephants going over the hill? "Wow, there are grapes going over the hill!" (She was colorblind) --------------------------------------------------- Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! |
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| Author: | Jello B. [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 8:02 am ] |
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway. |
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| Author: | Alberto [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 8:12 am ] |
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Dark Grapefruit wrote: Shopiom wrote: Dark Grapefruit wrote: Ask me if I am a grapefruit. OK. Are you a grapefruit?TWO YEARS LATER No. ... That... Has to be the best joke I've ever seen/heard on the forum... |
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| Author: | Stinko girl 20x6 [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 8:18 am ] |
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Nuber 1: A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ----------------------- Nuber 2: Q: Why did the man fall off his bike? Quote: A: Because someone threw a fridge at his head
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| Author: | Schmelen [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 11:04 am ] |
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Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. |
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| Author: | ready for prime time [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 12:36 pm ] |
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why did the boy fail math class? his mom threw a fridge at him! why did the boy fall off his bike? his mom threw a fridge at him! why did the boy suffer internal bleeding, broken bones, ruptured organs, shattered ribs and a sore thumb? he got hit by a bus! |
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| Author: | StrongRad [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 5:09 pm ] |
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You want bad jokes?!?! YOU WANT BAD JOKES?!?!? Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks. |
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| Author: | kellan6 [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:23 pm ] |
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ok best joke ever whats the difference between an orange? ............. .............. a bicycle cuz a vest doesnt have sleeves!!!! |
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| Author: | StrongRad [ Sun Aug 27, 2006 11:49 pm ] |
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Ok... So these pirates were out on the open sea, doing piratey things. Suddenly, a frigate of the Royal Navy is spotted. The captain of the pirate ship knows he can't outrun the frigate, so he prepares for battle. "First Mate, bring my red shirt". A new crewmember looks at the captain and asks "Sir, why a red shirt?" "In battle, if I am wounded and bleed, my crew will not be able to tell because my shirt is the same color as my blood. They will continue to fight and not give me a second thought." Suddenly, over the horizon, 3 more frigates are sighted, closing fast. The captain yells below deck to his first mate "You'd better bring my brown pants, too." Yeah, it's awful, I know. |
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| Author: | topofsm [ Mon Aug 28, 2006 3:37 am ] |
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Schmelen wrote: Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.  topofsm wrote: Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread! |
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| Author: | Sui [ Mon Aug 28, 2006 4:55 am ] |
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A few good ones: A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and orders a hamburger platter. After he's finished eating it, he takes out a gun and fires all of the rounds into the ceiling. Slightly shocked, and a bit confused, the man sitting next to him asks, while picking the plaster flakes off his hair, "Uhh... buddy? Why did you do that?" The animal replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the encyclopedia." He then exits the bar. Sure enough, the patron goes home that night, and takes out his encyclopedia. "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves." Bob and Tim were golfing. Bob, in an attempt to get his ball onto the green, gave his ball an aggressive strike, but his aim was off, and the ball fell into a ravine. Grabbing his eight-iron, Bob went into the ravine. At the bottom, he saw something shiny in the grass. Moving it aside, he found that it was an eight-iron, in the grip of a fully clothed skeleton, ready to strike the old, dusty ball in front of it. "Tim? TIIIIIM? I'm in trouble here!" Bob calls out. "What is it, Bob?" "Can you toss me my seven-iron? You can't get out of here with an eight!" Sherlock Holmes and Watson went out on a camping trip. After supper and a drink or two, they retired to their sleeping bags. In the middle of the night, Sherlock woke Watson. "Look up at the stars, Watson. What does the sight mean to you?" "Well," Watson began, "to me, they represent our great fortune in being here, on the hospitable earth. They remind me to appreciate the experience of being, and to enjoy it. Meteorologically, they suggest that we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. And, based on our location and orientation, they tell me it's a quarter past three. What do the stars mean to you, Holmes?" There was a pause. "You idiot! It means that someone has stolen our tent!" (that last one's kind of well known, so odds are that you've heard it before. If not... well, it's even more well known now.) Oh, oh, one last one. John goes to his doctor, complaining of terrible headaches. The doctor runs a few tests, including an x-ray, and calls John to his office the next day. "I've got some bad news, John," he says. "What is it, doctor?" "You're suffering a terminal illness. You've got a limited time to live." "What? How long do I have left?" "Ten." "...what? Ten days? Months? Years?" "Nine... Eight... Seven..." 'Sall for now. |
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| Author: | ready for prime time [ Mon Aug 28, 2006 7:41 am ] |
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i heard on once. two nuns are driving in a car, when a vampire jumps in front of the car. "quick!" the first nun said, "show him your cross!" so, the second nun winds down the window, and yells "get off the road, you idiot!" |
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| Author: | Homerun Starrer [ Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:46 pm ] |
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Sui wrote: A few good ones:
A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and orders a hamburger platter. After he's finished eating it, he takes out a gun and fires all of the rounds into the ceiling. Slightly shocked, and a bit confused, the man sitting next to him asks, while picking the plaster flakes off his hair, "Uhh... buddy? Why did you do that?" The animal replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the encyclopedia." He then exits the bar. Sure enough, the patron goes home that night, and takes out his encyclopedia. "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves." Heh, you stole that one from a book title, didn't you? |
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| Author: | Sui [ Mon Aug 28, 2006 2:21 pm ] |
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Homerun Starrer wrote: Sui wrote: A few good ones: A panda walks into a bar. He sits down, and orders a hamburger platter. After he's finished eating it, he takes out a gun and fires all of the rounds into the ceiling. Slightly shocked, and a bit confused, the man sitting next to him asks, while picking the plaster flakes off his hair, "Uhh... buddy? Why did you do that?" The animal replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the encyclopedia." He then exits the bar. Sure enough, the patron goes home that night, and takes out his encyclopedia. "Panda: Eats shoots and leaves." Heh, you stole that one from a book title, didn't you? Ha, that joke had been around loooong before the book came about. 
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