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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:15 am 
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Stinko girl 20x6 wrote:
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Ecks Dee.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:19 am 
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A man walks into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eyepatch. The man says to the bartender, "Ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender doesn't hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:20 am 
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Jitka wrote:
A man walks into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eyepatch. The man says to the bartender, "Ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender doesn't hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

Why did I laugh? Why? WHY?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:29 am 
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A dog walks into a bar. He is wearing an eyepatch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who went deaf in one ear as a child, thinks that the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a bowlegged duck. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar, in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only one bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:29 am 
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HHFOV wrote:
I don't get it.


It's a shaggy-dog story. I love them. I can post more if you want. (not Nate the Snake though)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 2:35 am 
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Soon after the Cuban Revolution, America became concerned about the political positions of Fidel Castro's government, and therefore Cuba was a major focus of the new Kennedy administration when it assumed power in January 1961. In Havana, there was fear of military intervention by the United States in Cuba. In April 1961, the threat of invasion became real when a force of CIA-trained Cuban exiles opposed to Castro landed at the Bay of Pigs. The invasion was quickly terminated by Cuba's military forces. Castro was convinced the United States would invade Cuba. Shortly after routing the Bay of Pigs Invasion, he declared Cuba a socialist republic, established formal ties with the Soviet Union, and began to modernize Cuba's military.

The United States feared any country's adoption of communism or socialism, but for a Latin American country to openly ally with the USSR was regarded as unacceptable, given the Russo-American enmity dating from the end of the Second World War in 1945.

In late 1961, Kennedy engaged Operation Mongoose, a series of covert operations against Castro's government which were to prove unsuccessful. More overtly, in February 1962, the United States launched an economic embargo against Cuba.

The United States also considered direct military attack. Air Force Gen. Curtis Lemay presented to Kennedy a pre-invasion bombing plan in September, while spy flights and minor military harassment from the United States Guantanamo Naval Base were the subject of continual Cuban diplomatic complaints to the U.S. government.

By September 1962, Cuban observers fearing an imminent invasion would have seen increasing signs of American preparations for a possible confrontation, including a joint Congressional resolution authorizing the use of military force in Cuba if American interests were threatened, and the announcement of an American military exercise in the Caribbean planned for the following month (Operation Ortsac).

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 3:33 am 
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Heh heh. I get it.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 4:44 am 
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Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest wrote:
iand93 wrote:
I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

Reminds me of that episode of Ed, Edd, n' Eddy where Ed asks Jimmy if he's ever played Splish Splash in a Bath. Oh god, I gotta go watch that now...
Wait, which one is that?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:20 am 
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When Double D forgets the sunscreen and at the end they're all lizard-men.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:26 am 
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I have a joke.
Me being a good poster.

Naw, but really, here's my icebreaker:
This guy breaks into a bar, and as he's going through the bar, he hears "God is watching." He turns around to see a parrot, who says it again "God is watching!" So the robber goes "Hey, you're smart, what's your name?" and the parrot says "John the Baptist." the robber says "Huh...weird name....who came up with that?" and John says "The Bartender, same guy who named the Pit Bull God"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 6:32 am 
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TheFacelessEvil wrote:
Acekirby wrote:
It's just a pun.

It was a very long set up for a very bad pun. Therefore it's one of those "painful" jokes.

Yes, writhe all of you. Writhe.

I see you've never read Nate the Snake.

EDIT: oh wait. dg.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 8:55 pm 
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At work we have a bisexual door.

It swings both ways.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:18 pm 
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You probably made that up.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:20 pm 
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Yeah. As I was walking through said door.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:28 pm 
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How many dead babies does it take to paint a fence?














Depends on how hard you throw 'em.

What's the difference between an onion and a pile of dead babies?














The onion makes you cry.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?














The picture only takes one nail to hang up.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 9:31 pm 
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I bought a muscle shirt the other day. Those things should come with warning labels. "MAY LOWER SELF-ESTEEM".


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:10 pm 
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IantheGecko wrote:
I bought a muscle shirt the other day. Those things should come with warning labels. "MAY LOWER SELF-ESTEEM".

"Jokes". Not "Stand-up".


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:27 pm 
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Don't dare call that stand-up.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:34 pm 
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i'd call it more like lay-facedown-and-sob-for-a-while comedy

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:36 pm 
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No one here likes Demetri Martin? *shrugs*


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:40 pm 
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You took a joke from a stand-up and posted it here?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 11:47 pm 
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Yeah? And?

OK, back to a "real" joke:

A Latino man named José went to the US for a vacation. His favorite part was going to a baseball game. It was awesome. José came back to his home country telling all about how great the game was. When his family asked him why, he said, "They all sang for me at the beginning of the game! Jo-o-sé, can you see?..."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:05 am 
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The Noid wrote:
You took a joke from a stand-up and posted it here?

no one made up the jokes they posted.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:07 am 
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Dark Grapefruit wrote:
no one made up the jokes they posted.

Except Ian with that bi-door one, or so I'm told.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:56 am 
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I made up my joke and it is the best joke in the world. Here is another joke for you all:



A tropical wave moved off the coast of Africa on August 14. Under the influence of a ridge of high pressure to its north, the wave tracked quickly westward. An area of convection developed along the wave axis to the south of the Cape Verde islands, and on August 15 meteorologists began classifying the system with the Dvorak technique. The thunderstorm activity became more concentrated, and narrow spiral rainbands developed around a developing center of circulation. Based on a Dvorak T-number of 2.0, it is estimated Tropical Depression Three developed late on August 16 about 1630 miles (2625 km) eastsoutheast of Barbados.

Embedded within the deep easterlies, the depression tracked westnorthwestward at 20 mph (33 km/h). Initially, moderate wind shear prevented strengthening, though a decrease in shear allowed the depression to intensify into Tropical Storm Andrew at around 1200 UTC on August 17. By early on August 18, the storm maintained concentrated convection near the center with spiral bands to its west as the winds increased to 50 mph (85 km/h). Shortly thereafter the thunderstorms decreased markedly during the diurnal minimum, and as the storm turned to the northwest increased southwesterly wind shear from an upper-level low prevented Andrew from maintaining deep convection. On August 19, a Hurricane Hunters flight into the storm failed to locate a well-defined center, and the next day a flight found that the cyclone had degenerated to the extent that only a diffuse low-level circulation center remained; observations indicated the pressure rose to an unusually high 1015 mbar. The flight indicated Andrew maintained a vigorous circulation aloft, with winds of 80 mph (130 km/h) recorded at flight level. Subsequently, the upper-level low weakened and split into a trough, which decreased the wind shear over the storm. Simultaneously, a strong high pressure cell developed over the southeastern United States, which built eastward and caused Andrew to turn to the west. Convection became more organized as upper-level outflow became better established. An eye formed, and Andrew attained hurricane status early on August 22 while located about 650 miles (1040 km) eastsoutheast of Nassau, Bahamas.

Six hours after becoming a hurricane, Andrew was predicted to make landfall near Jupiter, Florida with winds of 105 mph (165 km/h). The hurricane accelerated as it tracked due westward into an area of very favorable conditions, and late on August 22 began rapidly intensifying; in a 24 hour period the pressure dropped 47 mbar to a minimum pressure of 922 mbar. On August 23 the cyclone attained Category 5 status on the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale, and at 1800 UTC Hurricane Andrew reached peak winds of 175 mph (280 km/h) while located a short distance off Eleuthera island in the Bahamas. Operationally, the National Hurricane Center assessed its peak intensity as 150 mph (240 km/h), which was upgraded to 155 mph (250 km/h) in post-analysis; the hurricane was re-classified as a Category 5 hurricane twelve years subsequent to the hurricane. A small tropical cyclone, winds of 35 mph (55 km/h) extended out only about 90 miles (150 km/h) from its center. Subsequent to peaking in intensity, the hurricane underwent an eyewall replacement cycle, and at 2100 UTC on August 23, Hurricane Andrew struck Eleuthera with winds of 160 mph (260 km/h). The cyclone weakened further while crossing the Bahama Banks, and at 0100 UTC on August 24 Andrew hit the southern Berry Islands of the Bahamas with winds of 150 mph (240 km/h). As it crossed over the warm waters of the Gulf Stream in the Straits of Florida, the hurricane rapidly re-intensified as the eye decreased in size and its eyewall convection deepened. At 0840 UTC on August 24, Andrew struck Elliott Key with winds of 165 mph (270 km/h) and a pressure of 926 mbar. The hurricane continued to strengthen up to and slightly after landfall, and 25 minutes after its first Florida landfall Andrew hit near Homestead with a slightly lower pressure and the same winds.


As the eye moved onshore, the convection in the eyewall strengthened owing to increased convergence, and Hurricane Hunters reported a warmer eyewall temperature than two hours prior. However, Hurricane Andrew weakened as the eye continued further inland, and after crossing southern Florida in four hours, the eye emerged into the Gulf of Mexico with winds of 135 mph (215 km/h). The eye remained well-defined as the hurricane turned to the westnorthwest, a change due to the weakening of the ridge to its north. Andrew steadily re-intensified over the Gulf of Mexico, reaching winds of 145 mph (235 km/h) by late on August 25. As the high pressure system to its north weakened, a strong mid-latitude trough approached the area from the northwest. This caused the hurricane to decelerate to the northwest, and winds decreased as Andrew approached the Gulf Coast of the United States. At 0830 UTC on August 26 the cyclone made its final landfall in a sparsely populated area of Louisiana about 20 miles (32 km) westsouthwest of Morgan City with winds of 115 mph (185 km/h). Hurricane Andrew weakened rapidly as it turned to the north and northeast, and within ten hours weakened to a tropical storm. After entering Mississippi, the cyclone deteriorated to tropical depression status early on August 27. Accelerating northeastward, the tropical depression began merging with the approaching frontal system, and by midday on August 28 Andrew ceased to meet the qualifications of a tropical cyclone while located over the southern Appalachian Mountains. The remnants continued to the northeast and lost its identity within the frontal zone over the Mid-Atlantic states.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:54 am 
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TOO LONG.

BTW, let Disk's reign of emoticon king begin!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:48 pm 
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Ha ha!

Because you see, the farmer couldn't read!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:24 am 
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Also, note the internal joke about the stable boy's trigger finger. It's smashing.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:03 am 
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Dark Grapefruit wrote:
no one made up the jokes they posted.


Taking a stand-up joke out of context is just a different level, though. And it's pretty much impossible to tell an original joke anymore that isn't "why can't (something black people something)"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:09 am 
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did you know its raining cats and dogs outside, in fact i just stepped in a really big poodle

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