Homestar Runner Wiki Forum

A friend of mine just bought a new computer and asked me to show him how to download programs off the web. The poor guy is completely clueless with anything computer related. I showed him a couple of the more popular sites and started a download. While waiting, I made the comment about how slow telephone access can be. He sat there staring at the paper sheet icon move between the world and folder icons for a few moments, and then said: "Well if you move the folder closer to the Earth, then the program won't have so far to travel, and it'll download faster." I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

I actually had this emailed to me once:

"Help! I can't find your email address. What is it?"

Once in school I was bringing some document on a diskette to our principal. She was on the phone. While waiting I began playing with the sliding metal shutter on the diskette. She looked at me sternly and told me to stop it or viruses would get in.

At the end of the eighties I was working for a company that made software for doctor's offices. I frequently gave demonstrations to small groups of physicians. One of the main concerns was safety. There was so much talk about hackers. Would their patient records be safe from intruders? I explained to them that one could only get into a computer from outside the office if the modem was on, and the computer was running a communication program and acting as a host. At that time, this was a rare situation in private practice. But even the most powerful argument I could think of, "You can't break into a computer that's turned off," did not have the impact I had hoped for. One way or the other they were convinced that a clever hacker would not be stopped by such a trivial problem!

Customer: "Well, I got one of your free disks in the mail, but I don't have a computer. I just wanted to thank you for sending this to me."
Tech Support: "...Ah...is that the only reason you're calling, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I just thought that was really nice of you people, sending me this disk. I really appreciate it!"

The Year 2000 Problem as described by WXIA-TV, Atlanta, July 10, 1998:

"You open your eyes, slowly waking up. It's Saturday, January 1st, 2000. What time is it? You look at your bedside clock, but it's blank. Is the power off? You check your digital watch. It's blank, too. The coffee maker, which runs on computer microchips just like your wristwatch, doesn't work. The same for the microwave oven and the stove. Your three-year-old computer-controlled car won't start."

These were the exact words, transcribed from videotape.

Our company's website has a section for press releases that's automatically updated. On January 2, 2000, it proudly presented the following:

29.12.99 (...some headline...)
29.12.99 (...some headline...)
30.12.99 (...some headline...)
02.01.100 Success! No Y2K bugs!

When in college, I had to make a fake advertisement for a class. I had a GIF that I downloaded that I wanted to put into it, so I sat down at the only Mac that was connected to the scanner in the school's computer lab. For some reason, it couldn't open the file, and the program crashed repeatedly. I got a lab technician to come over, and I explained the problem. She asked what I did to it and got angry with me. So I went to the Mac next to the one I was on and opened the picture in the same program. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was responsible for ruining the computer.

Me: "I scanned these pictures in, then tried to open this GIF I downloaded."
Her: "What? You can't do that! That type of a file is for Windows machines only! It isn't supported on Macs."
Me: "No, it is a standard graphic file. It can be opened on either machine."
Her: "No it can't! You might have to pay to fix this."
Me: "If it can't open on a Mac, how did I get it to open on this Mac right here? See?"
Her: "Don't do that! You're gonna break that one also."

To protect her computer from evil me, she leaned over and flipped the power switch off.

# Customer: "I tried to burn a CD for my backup, but it doesn't work."
# Tech Support: "Tell me, step my step, what you did."
# Customer: "I put the blank CD in the CD burner, copied the files, burned the CD, printed a label, then pasted the label on the disk."
# Tech Support: "Label?"
# Customer: "Yeah, the label to protect the silver side of the disk."

# Me: "What's wrong with it?"
# My Friend: "My CD drive is screwed up!"
# Me: "What exactly happened?"
# My Friend: "Well, remember you showed me how to load a CD? Before I turned on the computer, I took the CD out of the case and placed it on top of the computer right above the CD drive. When I turned on the computer, the CD drive tried to read the CD!"
# Me: "What??"
# My Friend: "I know it was trying to read it because I saw the little light flashing, so I took the CD off the top of the computer, and the lights stopped!"
# Me: (stiffling laughter) "I assure you, it wasn't...oh, never mind."

Customer: "I just got this CD of Internet software in a gaming magazine. How do I install it on my Sony PlayStation?"

* Customer: "My computer is asking for a CD labeled 'Windows 95 CD-ROM', but I don't have this CD."
* Tech Support: "Are you sure you looked in all the boxes that came with your computer."
* Customer: "Yes, I checked everywhere."

I pulled up her invoice and confirmed that the Windows 95 CD was shipped with her order.

* Tech Support: "Do you have any CDs at all with your system?"
* Customer: "Yes, I've got this Windows 95 CD."
* Tech Support: (uh...) "That is the CD that the computer is requesting."
* Customer: "No, it's not. This CD is labeled 'Windows 95', and the computer is asking me for a CD labeled 'Windows 95 CD-ROM'."

A Friend: "There's an icon on my desktop that won't go away."
Me: "Did you click on the icon once and hit 'delete'?"
A Friend: "I haven't tried that yet."

I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.


Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.

Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.


Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.


Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled "BANG HEAD HERE."

* Tech Support: "Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
* Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
* Tech Support: "What sort of trouble?"
* Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
* Tech Support: "Went away?"
* Customer: "They disappeared."
* Tech Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
* Customer: "Nothing."
* Tech Support: "Nothing?"
* Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
* Tech Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
* Customer: "How do I tell?"
* Tech Support: "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
* Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
* Tech Support: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
* Customer: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
* Tech Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
* Customer: "What's a monitor?"
* Tech Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
* Customer: "I don't know."
* Tech Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

(Rustling and jostling heard in the background.)

* Customer: [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
* Tech Support: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
* Customer: "Yes, it is."
* Tech Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
* Customer: "No."
* Tech Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

(Rustle, rustle.)

* Customer: [muffled] "Ok, here it is."
* Tech Support: "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
* Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."
* Tech Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
* Customer: "No."
* Tech Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
* Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark in here."
* Tech Support: "Dark?"
* Customer: "Yes -- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
* Tech Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
* Customer: "I can't."
* Tech Support: "No? Why not?"
* Customer: "Because there's a power outage."
* Tech Support: "A p-!" [AARGH!]

This woman was good friends with my supervisor. She's now also my wife.

[Editor's Note: This story is true but heavily circulated with a fictitious ending: see http://www.snopes.com/humor/business/wo ... htm#stupid .] EDITOR'S WARNING: CONTAINS PROFANITY

I was giving instructions to a caller once, but his son was the one physically sitting at the computer, so all my instructions had to be relayed. Here's a snippet of the conversation:


Me: "Click on 'start', then select 'shut down', then select 'restart in MS-DOS mode'."
Customer: (to his son) "Ok, press 'start', 'shut up', and 'sit down'!"

The really scary part was what his son said then:


Customer's Son: "Ok, I'm at the C: prompt!"

Do we really want to know what goes on at that house?

Ever since the first day at my typing class I suspected my teacher was an idiot. To test the theory, my classmate and I went around and unplugged various network plugs to see if the teacher could figure it out. After about thirty minutes of watching her struggle to get the network working, we plugged it back in. She thought she was a genius for getting it back online.

The next day we unplugged the network again. She got so discouraged that she gave us a written test on the basics of computers. I felt pretty good, thinking I'd get an easy A on the test. Nope. Two of the questions:


"How do you produce a computer saved?"
I decided she was asking how to load a saved file. I was right.


"How do you key a dash?"
I almost fell down laughing. I answered "hit the dash button." I got this one wrong. The answer was "hit the dash button twice." With more questions like this, I ended up failing the test.

# Student #1: "Yeah, she told me all about the -- what is it? -- Internet. Except you need this...thing...for your computer...to connect to it...what's it called?...oh yeah, a modem."
# Student #2: "Ooooooo, aren't we special? We know the technical term!"

* Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
* Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
* Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to --"
* Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
* Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?"
* Customer: [click]

Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, is this the help desk?"
Tech Support: "Yes sir, it is; how may I help you?"
Customer: (in a very strained and excited voice) "I can't go to the bathroom!"
Understandably, I was shocked.


Tech Support: "Sir...I am not sure what your definition of a help desk is, but I don't believe I am qualified to help you with that problem."
Customer: "You have to. The nearest bathroom is broken, and the toilet is overflowing. I don't know what to do. Send someone up to repair it."
Tech Support: "Sir, we only open do troubleshooting on computers, not bathrooms and toilets."
Customer: "But it's the same thing!"
Tech Support: "Um, no it's not."
Customer: "It is too! It's repairing things! Now I want someone up here right now."
Tech Support: "It's two entirely different things. Computers run on electricity and have hundreds of parts. Toilets run on water."
Customer: "It's an emergency! Can you send someone up to fix it?"
Tech Support: "Sir, might I suggest that you use another bathroom?"
Customer: "AGH! I CAN'T USE ANOTHER BATHROOM! I HAVE TO GO NOW! GET SOMEONE UP HERE NOW!"
I put him on hold. For about three minutes. I hate to be screamed at.


Tech Support: "Sir, I cannot. I have no way to do that. I fix computers. Not toilets."
Customer: (rant, rant, rave, rave)
Tech Support: "I'm sorry, I really can't help you."
Customer: "Oh gosh...oh my pants!" (click)

"How do you key a dash?"
I almost fell down laughing. I answered "hit the dash button." I got this one wrong. The answer was "hit the dash button twice." With more questions like this, I ended up failing the test.

Jordan, you are THE SUCK at kissing! YAY! Just thought you should know! Rainbows! Sunshine!

"How do you key a dash?"

Well, the teacher should have written the question better.



What's that supposed to mean? It makes sense that if there were a dash key, you would need to press it in order to "key" it. The teacher also said "hit the dash button twice" instead of "hit the hyphen button twice."

Jordan, you are THE SUCK at kissing! YAY! Just thought you should know! Rainbows! Sunshine!

Sometime between 1996 and 1997 the first large "American-style" computer chain opened in Sweden. They had managed to become the first home cable ISP in Sweden. They sold a bundled package which included a cable modem, network adapter, and cables. My father and I went down to purchase one.

At the service desk, the salesman slid a box over to me and started ringing me up.

Salesman: "Do you need an explanation of how to set this up?"
Me: "No thank you, that won't be necessary."
Salesman: "Great. Do you have PCI?"
Me: "Um, yes?"
Salesman: "Great. Bye. Next!"
As I was about to leave I made a quick check on the contents of the box.

Me: "There doesn't appear to be a network adapter in here."
Salesman: "But you said that you already had PCI."
Me: "PCI stands for Peripheral Component Interconnection..."
I gave him a brief description of what PCI means.

Salesman: "Yeah, but why did you say that you had it if you didn't?"
He handed me a network card and gave me a patronizing stare.

Me: "Ah, sorry, um, thank you."
Halfway through the door, I was stopped by a yelling voice.

Salesman: (angrily) "Stop!"
He pressed a floppy disk in my hand. On it, he had scratched, "PCI." He found some courage in my puzzled look and boomed:

Salesman: "Don't say that you know when you don't!" (to my father) "A lack of knowledge is nothing to be ashamed of. I am here to help!"
When I got home, I found that the disk was blank.

A friend and I visited a computer store in a mall. They had aisles of software and cabinets of hardware in the back. I was curious to know how much they charged for RAM, so we headed for the rear of the store.

Salesman: "May I help you, ladies?"
Me: "Sure. We'd like to see how much your RAM is."
Salesman: (looking around uncertainly) "Let's look over here. Is this for a Mac or PC?"
Me: "PC. I have an HP."
Suddenly the salesman turns down a software aisle.

Salesman: "That sounds like a war game. It should be along in here if we have it."
Me: "Uhhhhhhhh...we're looking for RAM. You know, computer memory. Not software."
Salesman: "Oh! Memory! That would be over in the children's section."

Customer: "My Internet doesn't work!"
Tech Support: "Ok, do you have an icon for Internet on your desktop?"
Customer: "An icon? Desktop??"
Tech Support: "Are you using Windows 95?"
Customer: "Don't know. You said Windows??? By the way, how do you type a capital 'e' instead of a lower case 'e'?"
Tech Support: (crying) "Hold 'shift' while pressing 'e'."
Customer: "What is 'shift'??"

While training over the phone I heard, "Oh, wait. Uh oh!!" I asked repeatedly, "What? What's happening?" expecting to hear smoke was pouring out of her computer.

Finally she recovered enough to scream, "My keyboard's in the way! I can't move my mouse!"

The following made me laugh out loud multiple times.

Phone Co. Guy: Hello, ma'am, this is Phone Co. Guy from Such And Such Phone Company, I'm calling to notify you that your payment is 10 days past due.

Woman: How did you get this number? This is an unlisted number!

Phone Co. Guy: Ma'am, we're the phone company.

Jordan, you are THE SUCK at kissing! YAY! Just thought you should know! Rainbows! Sunshine!

Tech Support: "Ok you should now see a small dialog box on your desktop."
Customer: "I don't see any box on my desktop."
Tech Support: "Hmmm, are you sure? It looks like a small window with an 'OK' button in the middle of it."
Customer: "How can a window be in my desktop?"
Tech Support: "Sir, what are you looking at?"
Customer: "My desktop like you asked. There's no box on it, just the computer. However I do have a small window at the top of my wall, but I don't see anything that says 'ok'...."
Thinking quickly, I decided to palm the call off to one of our younger support technicians, deciding this would be the perfect "field trip" for him. I told the customer we would have a technician drop by on site that afternoon to help him.

The following is what the unsuspecting young technician experienced.

The customer's house appeared to be in the middle of nowhere: there was nothing but barren land for miles in all directions. As he approached the house, he noticed a ring of cows, dogs, chickens, and pigs running loose and circling the house making an awful noise.

As he approached the house, he noticed a dead, half eaten animal near the front of the house. Later, he learned, whenever the customer needed to feed his dogs, he would step outside and shoot a calf.

Entering the house, the young technician noticed a very large pet door in the door. This was so the dogs and pigs could come and go as they pleased.

Inside the house was absolute filth. Mud and grime covered the floor and the walls, pigs lay on the couch, and dogs sat on the recliner chairs. The stench of filth was unbearable.

The customer took the technician to the back room, where the computer had been set up. A chicken was nesting on top of the monitor and droppings were running down the side.

It was too much. He ran, terrified out of his wits, and never looked back. Later the tech called me from his home, where he was still trying to wash the stench from his clothes. He hadn't been in our ex-customer's house for even five minutes, and his clothes were ruined.

# Customer: "Now what do I do?"
# Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
# Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
# Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
# Customer: "How do you spell that?"