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1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”
4. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
5. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
6. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
9. Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
10. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
11. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
12. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
13. Chuck Norris doesn't apologize. He just stares at them till they realize it was indeed their own freaking fault for whatever happened and they apologize.
14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
15. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
16. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
17. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
18. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
20. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
21. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
22. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
23. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
24. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
25. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

(Warning: language and theme alerts.)

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Wow, those are great. I've heard the same thing, but it was for a wrestler called Samoa Joe.

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Toastpaint put something like this about Vin Diesel in their LJ...
Great stuff..

Vin Diesel is an anagram for "I End Lives"

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If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.

More.

26. Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
27. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
28. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
29. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
30. Darkness is not the absence of light. It is the presence of Chuck Norris.
31. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
32. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.
33. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
34. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
35. Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to freakin' lie down.
36. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
37. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
38. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.
39. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
40. You are what you eat. That is why Chuck Norris's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
41. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
42. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck instead.
43. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
44. Chuck Norris once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
45. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
46. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's crap.
47. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
48. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
49. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
50. Whenever Chuck Norris plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some loser who can't climb up a plastic slide.

Woo.

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Ha, that's like, the funniest thing ever. Chuck Norris himself is pretty awesome, too.

WITNESS THE NORRIS!

I've been using those as my Away Messages on AIM for the past month after I saw the exact same thing on IJ's blog.

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51. Chuck Norris sued the writers of Dragonball Z when he found most of it was plagiarized from his autobiography.
52. Chuck Norris voted for George Bush and then ate 25 nails for breakfast, and then vomited them up just to show Al Gore he could do it. Al Gore then ran home to try the same thing, in which he spontaneously invented the internet.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norr ... _Opponents

Notice the giant list of chuck norris facts they have. Warning, swearing and such.

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I was eating as I was reading this. I laughed so hard, I almost spit out the whole forkful of rice.

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Oh, no, not these. They've been all up ons fark.com, and according to my boyfriend, people have been throwing these around on World of Warcraft (at least in Ogrimmar on whatever server he does). I only know one offhand, because my mom's a MacGyver fan:

53. MacGyver can build an airplane out of toothpicks and rubber bands, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Anyway...



Yes, but is he a dot, or is he a speck? (Bonus points - check out that number!)

Holy crap that was hilarious. Every single one of those nearly made me die of laughter.

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[Something cool might go here...?]

Awesome.

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And I thought cats had a lot of lives...

Roffle.

I knew about the Vin Diesel one, but not Chuck Norris. It's pretty cool.

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beep beep I'm a Jeep

Woo, Uncyclopedia has the master list. 'Tis grand.

I have seen #12 a different way, though: "In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris."

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Here are some of my favorites there:


That list seriously made me burst out laughing the entire time I was reading it. Here's some more.

53. Chuck Norris gave the "Peoples Elbow" to Stalin.
54. Chuck > Everything (including infinity and infinity squared).
55. Chuck is the reason why the USA won the American Revolution. The British were like "LOL WE GOT THEM OWNED." And then Chuck showed up and they started getting their butts kicked.
56. Chuck Norris cured Polio and Small Pox. He'd work on a cure for Cancer and AIDS, but he's busy being manly.
57. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.

Courtesy of Uncyclopedia.

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Vin Diesel has a strong dislike for the past tense. Speaking in the past tense to Vin makes him so angry he melts. Anything which comes into contact with liquid Vin instantly no longer exists in the universe. When the laws of physics protested, liquid Vin made them not exist as well.

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Vin Diesel? Pffff! He's a nobody!

I like those things, they rock. Especially the JFK one.

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In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris will still kick the crap out of you.

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58. It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touch his shoes.

I thought that one was pretty good.

And this one...
59. Mr. T once tried to pity Chuck Norris. He was instantly roundhouse kicked in the face.

This reminds me of YTMND swim 4

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What is with the recent Chuck Norris hype? I totally don't get it. How'd it start?

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It's really just a joke.

Pro Wrestling may be fake, but a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick isn't.

Yeah, that's what I get for reading this thread then watching wrestling.

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Congratulations on your 6000th post, ramrod. I've been dreading this day for weeks

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Random facts about Mr. T
Random facts about Vin Deisel

Love it.

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Sister, now that we're grieving
Our fingers will falter
Our lungs will be leaking
All over each other and without even speaking
We'll know that it's over and smile and go greeting
Whatever comes next

Here are two that play on a couple of slogans of the British Empire.
60. The Sun never sets on Chuck Norris.
61. Chuck Norris is the British Lion, when he roars everyone listens.
62. The British Empire will last 1,000 years because of Chuck Norris.
63. Chuck Norris was Jack the Ripper, The reason he stopped at 5 wasn't because the Police were on to him, Chuck Norris just lost interest in killing hookers.
I don't know if this one has been posted but,
64. Before he forgot a present for Chuck Norris, Santa was real.
65. The Romans didn't kill Jesus, Chuck Norris did. Chuck Norris killed him because he wanted to be the only person who could walk on water.

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59. Mr. T once tried to pity Chuck Norris. He was instantly roundhouse kicked in the face.

I dunno about that one...I would hate to see a Chuck Norris/Mister T fight. The world would be destroyed like in an instant.

I don't know if this was posted, but:

Chuck Norris and mr. T walked into the bar. The bar then exploded, because the sheer amount of awesomeness coming from them combined could not be held by the bar.

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Umm...thanks. Why have you been dreading this? Did you think I was going to do some sort of celebration pic or something?


Lucky the Leprechaun once tried to prevent Chuck Norris from getting his Lucky Charms, Lucky will be missed by many.

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Psst.. who on earth is Chuck Norris?

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