Homestar Runner Wiki Forum

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in.
The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.
-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through
meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very
dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your
child may watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.

-Complains of boredom.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

-Expresses an interest in sex.

Please tell me this list a is hoax.

holy crap! i use the internet, am awake at night, sleep 'too much', demand privacy and hang out with friends without adult supervision!

Because we know that there is no such thing as a goth Christian. That would be an example of false Christianity, which there is plenty of these days in the world, thanks to your master satan.

Jesus was NOT a Jew. Jesus was an is the Son of God® How can He be Jewish if His dad is not? It is not like His mother has anything to do with Jesus heritage.

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

Just so you'll know, not all of us Bible-Thumpers think Goth kids are satanic. Some of us just think they're strange little kids..

Found the origin (I think), from a site called the "Parents' American Religious Organizations Defending Youth" or PARODY for short (and if you can't tell that this is all a hoax from that, then I don't know how to convince you).

Lolz.

And here's what some nutjob Bible-thumper forum has to say about it.

Shame - that moderater "Pastor Ezekiel" is quite good-looking, judging by the avatar. Too bad he's a big auld looper fruitcake.

Yeah, quite the hoax though. It did ruffle up some feathers here.

Man, when i get home, Im going to post that on /i/.

Before you guys get your knickers too much in a twist over that "pastor," you might want to read up a bit on the Landover Baptist Church itself first. While that site and its forums are obviously satirical as well, it IS sad to know that there are still nutjobs in this country who would earnestly think that way *coughFREDPHELPScough*.

I hate the way they use "Baptist". I go to a Baptist Church, and we don't have any of that craziness there (except for the old people, but that's more senility than hate). Either way, everytime I see one of those "see? This is what's wrong with Baptists" type posts that people like to make, I wanna go all Jihad on the "Baptists".

Before you guys get your knickers too much in a twist over that "pastor," you might want to read up a bit on the Landover Baptist Church itself first. While that site and its forums are obviously satirical as well, it IS sad to know that there are still nutjobs in this country who would earnestly think that way *coughFREDPHELPScough*.

Mormons
Definition: Rural folks who believe that salvation can be had by marrying all of one's female cousins and wearing goofy underwear.
Trivia fact: Believe that Jesus came back as a gunfighter in the old west.
Worship: Nehi grape soda and Satan.