R&P Humor

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Mon Nov 08, 2004 5:41 pm

I came across a bit of philosophical humor today and wanted to post it, so I decided to create an R&P humor thread.

Anyway, the bit I found is these break-up lines from different schools of philosophical thought. For some reason I thought of Didymus when I read this.

Quote:

The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other.
The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other.
The Consequentialist: We aren’t optimal for each other.
The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me.
The Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
The Rationalist: I’m not a priority to you any more.

There are lots more. Many of them are over my head. Click on the link.

And post the R&P-related humor bits you find.

Dark Grapefruit · **Posted:** Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:34 am

Did you hear about the solipsists' convention last week? Only one guy showed up. *drumroll*

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:40 am

Dark Grapefruit wrote:

Did you hear about the solipsists' convention last week? Only one guy showed up. *drumroll*

I think you meant *rimshot*, but I'll forgive you. Heard this one. Funny.

Didymus · **Posted:** Tue Nov 09, 2004 4:06 am

I always preferred, "DA-Dum! TCHSS!"

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Tue Nov 09, 2004 3:25 pm

About.com has collected a bunch of Ratherisms from election nights over the years.

Dan Rather wrote:

"This situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache."

"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule."

"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."

The election is "closer than Lassie and Timmy"

"You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We're getting within maybe smelling distance."

I have to wonder, does he come up with these ahead of time, or is it all improv?

StrongRad · **Posted:** Tue Nov 09, 2004 6:26 pm

Ratherisms were one of the main reasons I stayed up election night.. I didn't hear a lot of the ones that people have listed, but I did get quite a list.. The one thing that concern/confuses me is his obsession with mobile homes, more specifically, gambling with them.. "Don't be the trailer money on it yet" and "Don't bet the doublewide yet" come to mind..

I don't know where he gets those. I think they're all improvs, maybe things the REAL Dan Rather says.. Who knows?

All I know is that wherever they come from, they're great!!

NOWHERE EVER BEFORE, had I ever heard someone say "If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Mon Nov 15, 2004 4:37 pm

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort. Why do you hate America?

soce,the elemental wizard · **Posted:** Mon Nov 15, 2004 4:58 pm

Here are some funny political websites (if you're liberal):

http://www.liegirls.com/quicktime.html

**name of URL contains a swear word (website itself contains many swear words)**

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4045

They actually seem quite truthful to me...

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Wed Nov 17, 2004 7:49 pm

Some photos of Bush's appointment of Margaret Spellings (his Chief Education Advisor form his days as Texas Governor, when they made all sorts of *cough* progress improving education in the state) Secretary of Education:

Hmm, she looks pretty foxy in this picture. Obviously W agrees, that sly devil. This picture is begging for a thought bubble. And to quote a Kos commenter, she "seem to be a graduate of the Rumsfeld school of press conference martial arts."

Bush goes in for the full-on lip action. But Spellings doesn't seem to be into it. Check out the grimace and the clenching throat muscles. Keep it down, honey, the President is a sympathy puker.

Bush found a much more willing recipient in Condi Rice.

...and also Tarja Halonen, the President of Finland.

I wonder what Laura has to say about this.

Tom · **Posted:** Wed Nov 17, 2004 8:14 pm

Bush Outsorces State Department

The Borowitz Report wrote:

World Diplomacy Rerouted to Calling Center in Bangalore

President George W. Bush seized the opportunity presented by Colin Powell’s resignation as Secretary of State to outsource the State Department to India, the White House confirmed today.

With budget deficits spiraling out of control, the president saw a chance for significant cost-savings by having all of the State Department’s diplomatic functions handled by a single calling center in Bangalore.

Starting in January, all nations interested in engaging the U.S. in a range of diplomatic communications will be able to do so by dialing one easy-to-remember toll-free number, the president said.

Around the globe, world leaders bemoaned the demise of the State Department, with France’s Jacques Chirac offering perhaps the harshest words of criticism for the president’s decision: “World diplomacy cannot be put on hold with music.”

But President Bush brushed aside Mr. Chirac’s comment, telling the French president that if he had issues to discuss with the U.S., “Try us in the evening when calling volume is lighter.”

In Bangalore, Surjit Ramesh, 31, said he was “very excited indeed” about being the sole employee of the one-room calling center that is replacing the U.S. State Department.

While Mr. Ramesh said he would have his hands full conducting all of the business of the State Department by himself, he said the White House gave him helpful tips to make his job easier: “If anyone with a French accent calls, I’m supposed to hang up.”

Elsewhere, President Bush spoke out against the importation of cheap drugs, citing Anna Nicole Smith.

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Mon Nov 22, 2004 9:26 pm

Taking a cue from the Cobb County, Ga. school board, here are some science textbook disclaimer stickers that you can pressure your local educators into plastering your neighbors' kids' science books with.

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Wed Nov 24, 2004 5:11 pm

It's alarming how much of the stuff I post here isn't really humorous, but sad and frightening. Oh well.

Here are some rejected Diebold ad concepts. This one's my favorite:

soce,the elemental wizard · **Posted:** Sat Nov 27, 2004 8:55 pm

2004's Scariest Halloween Costumes (okay, so it's a month or so dated...):

http://www.thestranger.com/current/special.html

Warlordofhomsaria_v2 · **Posted:** Sat Nov 27, 2004 9:22 pm

Give Bush a Brain

porplemontage · **Posted:** Sat Nov 27, 2004 10:19 pm

Has anyone seen those JibJab videos about the presidential candidates? That's what that "Give Bush A Brain" game reminds me of. Big Story: Bush recieves brain.

Warlordofhomsaria_v2 · **Posted:** Sat Nov 27, 2004 11:35 pm

i have. its quite funny actually.

Upsilon · **Posted:** Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:03 am

I suppose This Land deserves a mention.

I also found this at another forum. It's from a chemistry mid-term paper taken at the University of Washington. Yes, it is real:

Quote:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The student who wrote this was the only one to get an A.

Prof. Tor Coolguy · **Posted:** Sun Nov 28, 2004 2:29 pm

Upsilon I buyin you a pizza!

That was really really funny, you and the kid who wrote that deserves a pizza.

That kid thinks on another plain of existance he has a real future in whatever he does. But I have one question: why do they put a geology question on a chemistry mid term? Shouldn't it be: what are the chemicals and their reactions making hell so hot.

Upsilon · **Posted:** Mon Nov 29, 2004 9:34 am

No, because in theory you were supposed to give your answer based on Boyle's Law.

InvaderTK · **Posted:** Tue Nov 30, 2004 8:38 pm

In the beginning there was boredom

Didymus · **Posted:** Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:11 am

And all was laid to burnination!

InvaderTK · **Posted:** Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:25 am

Didymus wrote:

And all was laid to burnination!

XD That's hilarious. I don't know why but it is. That looks like a Kerrek going through Mid-Life crisis.

StrongRad · **Posted:** Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:35 am

Didymus wrote:

And all was laid to burnination!

I kinda think he looks like Sgt. Slaughter.

soce,the elemental wizard · **Posted:** Fri Dec 03, 2004 3:32 pm

That's hilarious!! I saw the article about the Kerrek this morning, but I did not at all make the connection. He does look a bit like S.Slaughter, although in the link you posted of him, he actually looks a bit like Jesse "The Body" Ventura as well. I guess it's just that big bald guy thing he has going on for him.

Didymus · **Posted:** Sat Dec 11, 2004 6:03 pm

And the Nanny smote the Kerik...

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Wed Dec 22, 2004 7:05 pm

I feel bad for posting things in the Humor topic that are more sad-but-true than they are funny, but I didn't want to start a new thread. But anyway, here's a poem for everybody.*

Quote:

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land,
not a critic was stirring, for stirring was banned.
A thousand brown prisoners, snug in their cells,
all held without charges or tinsel or bells;

And mamma was wrapped in the national flag,
while we sang "Where there's never a boast or a brag."
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the TV I flew like a flash;
I then watched "Survivor" and reruns of "Mash."
The fireworks, exploding above the new snow,
gave a luster of objects to people below.

When what saw my wondering eyes in the flashes:
a miniature George Bush and eight tiny fascists!
Their jerseys were blue and said "WORLD DOMINATION";
I knew right away this was not just claymation.

More rapid than eagles the warlords they came,
as the little Bush whistled and called them by name:
"Now, Daschle! now, Ashcroft! Now Strom, don't relent!
On, Poindexter, Rumsfeld! on Henry and Trent!

To the top of the globe, while the crowd's at the mall,
now bomb away, bomb away, bomb away all!"
His sack had a war game for each girl and boy;
his pocket, four billion from just Illinois.

Far up on his high seat the driver did mount,
with more massive weapons than Kofi could count.
And then, I heard sounds from away off somewhere,
the booming of bombs that were bursting in air.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
down the chimney old Dick Cheney came with a bound.
He said not a word, nor disclosed his location;
he wiretapped my house in the name of the nation.

Then holding the strings of his little Bush puppet,
he went to the chimney and quickly rose up it.
The sleigh was still running, but Dick didn't hurry;
gas guzzlers, it seemed, were no longer a worry.

He popped the champagne and exclaimed as he served it,
"The world is now ours, and GOD DAMN, we deserve it!"

*No, I didn't write it, nor do I know who did.

thefreakyblueman · **Posted:** Wed Dec 22, 2004 8:10 pm

InterruptorJones wrote:

[the rather large poem]

Hah! This had me rolling on the floor laughing.

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Wed Dec 22, 2004 8:30 pm

And here's a Decemberween-themed GYWO (warning: foul language ahead) to get you in the Festivus spirit. Sums up my sentiments pretty much exactly.

Prof. Tor Coolguy · **Posted:** Sun Jan 02, 2005 3:41 pm

IJ you've done it again! Where do you get all your funny political comic strips and all?

InterruptorJones · **Posted:** Mon Jan 03, 2005 5:12 pm

Been awhile since I've posted an R&P bit. Here's a great "Top X of 2004" list:

The 25 Dumbest Quotes of 2004

I'm sure you can guess who gets the #1 spot (and several other spots), but nobody escapes the writer's ire. Beware: minor foul language and Bill O'Reilly.

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