George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Looky here:

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and
spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You
are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west
longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your
problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
somehow now, it's my fault."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

--Emo Philips

The kindergarten teacher had told each of her students to stand up and tell the class what their father does. All was going well, until it was little Timmy's turn.

Timmy stood up, went to the front of the class, and began his story. "My daddy is an exotic dancer in a strip club. He works all day, and leaves me home alone. When he finally gets back, he pulls out his spiked belt and beats me, until I'm able to run away. He then smokes and drinks himself to sleep, unless he brought one of his girlfriends home."

Timmy was about to continue, but his teacher stopped in him before he could go on. After class was over, she stopped him before he left.

"Timmy, is that really what your father does?"

"No. He works for the Kerry administration. But I was too embarrassed to say that."

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, “George, what’s the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” Washington advises, and then fades away.

The second night, Bush sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, “Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Respect the Constitution, as I did,” Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.

The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, “Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?”

“Help the less fortunate, just as I did,” FDR replies and fades into the mist.

Bush isn’t sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, “Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?”

Lincoln replies, “Go see a play.”

Um, you know it doesn't really work because, well, Kerry lost. There is no "Kerry administration". Just so you know.

...And here's one that I would use if Kerry won the election...

Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water

Yar.

I can walk on water... If it's frozen...

Aye!

Er.. avast!

Er, my bad.

I saw that guy on the Comedy Central Roast of Jeff Foxworthy. He was freakin' hilarious.

Reasons to Fear Canada.

BY SEAN CARMAN

- - - -

Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.

Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.

Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?

Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.

Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.

Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.

Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.

Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.

Never had a "disco phase."

Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.

Keeps insisting it "has no designs on America" and "only wants peace."

Plays a mean game of pond hockey.

I thought this was hilarious. I also thought it has just enough politicalness and that there were enough canadaphiles in the forum to merit necromancy.

Canada should be extremely concerned that one of its provinces has turned French. If they ever get invaded, guess which one is going to surrender first.