Reasons to Fear Canada....

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

I wet my pants

This isn't really "humor" (in fact it's truly scary and depressing), but I thought I'd share anyhow:

Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

I think I'm gonna puke my pants.

This isn't really "humor" (in fact it's truly scary and depressing), but I thought I'd share anyhow:

Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

I think I'm gonna puke my pants.

This isn't really "humor" (in fact it's truly scary and depressing), but I thought I'd share anyhow:

Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

I think I'm gonna puke my pants.

Can't Conservatives stop picking on Liberals? Serwiouswy. What have Liberals done to them that is so horrible, that causes conservatives to lash out like that?

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual."

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions":

1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don't you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you ready for this?

The Answer is SEVEN:

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Can't Liberals stop picking on Conservatives? Sewiously. What have Conservatives done to them that is so horrible, that causes liberals to lash out like that?

Geez, man. You see one example of conservative humor and suddenly everything blows up for you.

But this is my opinion.

Can't Liberals stop picking on Conservatives? Sewiously. What have Conservatives done to them that is so horrible, that causes liberals to lash out like that?

Geez, man. You see one example of conservative humor and suddenly everything blows up for you.

I wet my pants

Um. Yours would be an astute point, except you've completely missed one fact: The book mentioned isn't a work of satire. It's not a joke. It's not "one example of conservative humor," intended to give adults a bit of a sarcastic chuckle. It's an actual book intended to be read to, and taken seriously by, actual children.

Aahh.. I found my collection of Dubya jokes!

Jokes.
C-c-c-ombo breaker

EDIT: Trev, that Colin joke was from 2003 or so.

The State of California in its infinate wisdom, is turning the Ambassador Hotel, where Robert Kennedy got shot, into a school. That's like turning Ford's Theater in to a resturant.
Here is the article.

Um.. why is this in R&P Humor?

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel!

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'bout the raisin' of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently ticked*.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
'alf a crate of whiskey every day!

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
and Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's ticked.

*For those not familiar, "ticked" is a Britishism which in this context means drunk.

This isn't really "humor" (in fact it's truly scary and depressing), but I thought I'd share anyhow:

Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed

I think I'm gonna puke my pants.

Hmmm.. here, I think.

Look at the pictures too

http://www.newyorker.com/printables/shouts/050926sh_shouts - Intelligent Design

http://www.newyorker.com/printables/shouts/050926sh_shouts - Intelligent Design