The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other.
The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other.
The Consequentialist: We aren’t optimal for each other.
The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me.
The Empiricist: I think we should see other people.
The Rationalist: I’m not a priority to you any more.

Did you hear about the solipsists' convention last week? Only one guy showed up. *drumroll*

"This situation in Ohio would give an aspirin a headache."

"In southern states they beat him like a rented mule."

"We had a slight hitch in our giddy up, but we corrected that."

The election is "closer than Lassie and Timmy"

"You can almost hear the GOP (deep breathing sound). We're getting within maybe smelling distance."

World Diplomacy Rerouted to Calling Center in Bangalore

President George W. Bush seized the opportunity presented by Colin Powell’s resignation as Secretary of State to outsource the State Department to India, the White House confirmed today.

With budget deficits spiraling out of control, the president saw a chance for significant cost-savings by having all of the State Department’s diplomatic functions handled by a single calling center in Bangalore.

Starting in January, all nations interested in engaging the U.S. in a range of diplomatic communications will be able to do so by dialing one easy-to-remember toll-free number, the president said.

Around the globe, world leaders bemoaned the demise of the State Department, with France’s Jacques Chirac offering perhaps the harshest words of criticism for the president’s decision: “World diplomacy cannot be put on hold with music.”

But President Bush brushed aside Mr. Chirac’s comment, telling the French president that if he had issues to discuss with the U.S., “Try us in the evening when calling volume is lighter.”

In Bangalore, Surjit Ramesh, 31, said he was “very excited indeed” about being the sole employee of the one-room calling center that is replacing the U.S. State Department.

While Mr. Ramesh said he would have his hands full conducting all of the business of the State Department by himself, he said the White House gave him helpful tips to make his job easier: “If anyone with a French accent calls, I’m supposed to hang up.”

Elsewhere, President Bush spoke out against the importation of cheap drugs, citing Anna Nicole Smith.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the land,
not a critic was stirring, for stirring was banned.
A thousand brown prisoners, snug in their cells,
all held without charges or tinsel or bells;

And mamma was wrapped in the national flag,
while we sang "Where there's never a boast or a brag."
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the TV I flew like a flash;
I then watched "Survivor" and reruns of "Mash."
The fireworks, exploding above the new snow,
gave a luster of objects to people below.

When what saw my wondering eyes in the flashes:
a miniature George Bush and eight tiny fascists!
Their jerseys were blue and said "WORLD DOMINATION";
I knew right away this was not just claymation.

More rapid than eagles the warlords they came,
as the little Bush whistled and called them by name:
"Now, Daschle! now, Ashcroft! Now Strom, don't relent!
On, Poindexter, Rumsfeld! on Henry and Trent!

To the top of the globe, while the crowd's at the mall,
now bomb away, bomb away, bomb away all!"
His sack had a war game for each girl and boy;
his pocket, four billion from just Illinois.

Far up on his high seat the driver did mount,
with more massive weapons than Kofi could count.
And then, I heard sounds from away off somewhere,
the booming of bombs that were bursting in air.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
down the chimney old Dick Cheney came with a bound.
He said not a word, nor disclosed his location;
he wiretapped my house in the name of the nation.

Then holding the strings of his little Bush puppet,
he went to the chimney and quickly rose up it.
The sleigh was still running, but Dick didn't hurry;
gas guzzlers, it seemed, were no longer a worry.

He popped the champagne and exclaimed as he served it,
"The world is now ours, and GOD DAMN, we deserve it!"

[the rather large poem]