Homestar Runner Wiki Forum

hi everyperson! do you have any good jokes? if so, post them here.ill make the first one:

The police arrested 2 kids, one was eating battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. they charged one and let the other off.

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I dont get it.

EDIT: Nevermind. I get it.

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Need a laugh?
Wanna give a laugh?
Heard any good jokes lately?
You can post 'em here then.

You gonna do it?
Sbemailman

PS- A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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You're playing Team Fortess 2... you are a heavy and you have two medics... you are taking out everone on the other team so easy... another medic aproaches... THEN HE TURNS INTO A SPY AND STABS YOU IN THE SPINE!
SPY PWNS ALL!

How do you fit 10 babies in a bowl?

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collect package; save adorable cat; you're really gullible.

Ugh, dead baby jokes...

Anyway, I'm almost certain this thread has been posted before...

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I made a "sexy time" with my mother-in-law.

(straight from Borat. I fail, I know.)

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I don't get it.

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She's 46, not 33.

it is very sad that I get it.

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Plus the fact that Roulette wheels don't even go up to 46.

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The meaning of life is 'bucket.'

FOR PONY!!!

ABP'D

Why that's in Forum Games, I'll never know.

Q: What's the angriest sport?
A: Lacrosse!

Q: If you had to share a pie between all the Canadian Provinces, which one wouldn't want any?
A: Nunavut!

Q: What did the tree say to the woodpecker?
A: Leaf me alone!

Q: How good did the grizzly do one the 100m run?
A: He bearly made it!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A: Frostbite!

lol...

EDIT: Awww...ABP...

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Of course, that's been dead for 4½ months...

EDIT: Simulpost'd! I was talking about the Forum Games thread.

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ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG

*winner of RAF9*

A buncha boy scouts were going on a campout. The soutmaster was at the campsite, but no scouts showed up. finally, 6 hours later, one showed up. "where've you been?" "well, i was heading off and got in a cab but the cab broke down. so i took a horse, but it dropped dead. so i walked 23 miles to get here."
"well, ok, get in your tent."
another scout showed up. "where've you been?" "well, i was heading off and got in a cab but it broke down. so i took a horse, but it dropped dead. so i walked 23 miles to get here."
"mmm... well, get in your tent."
seven more scouts showed up with the same excuse. the master was getting frustrated. finally, at 9:00, the last scout showed up.
"WHY ARE YOU LATE?!? THERE'D BETTER BE A GOOD REASON!!"
"well, i was heading off and got in a cab-"
"Let me guess, it broke down?"
"No, he just had trouble driving 'cause there were so many dead horses in the road!"

HAHA

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"


I think it's funny

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WARNING!!!!!! I LAUGH AT ALMOST ANYTHING!!!!! I'm a white and nerdy girl.

WHY COULDN'T HELEN KELLER DRIVE?




















































SHE WAS A WOMAN

*laugh track*

Alright, so these friars decided to open up a flower shop. They didn't know, though, that they put it up right next to the Playboy Mansion! (They didn't notice stuff like that. Go figure.) It was successful, for a few days, until finally, someone noticed -- Hugh Hefner! He came outside and shouted at the friars until they ran off. Later, the friars were talking about what happened.
"Man, that was rough. I didn't know we set up there!"
"Yeah. Well, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

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ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG

*winner of RAF9*

There was an old man in Florida who owned a fairly small apple orchard with a little pond in it. One day, this old man was going out to the pond to sit and read awhile, and he brought along a bucket to take a few apples back to the house when he was finished (at his wife's behest).

Anyway, when the old man got to the pond, he heard lots of giggling and splashing and looked to see three young women skinny dipping on his property. "Excuse me, ladies, but--" he began, but was interrupted by one of the young women.

"We're not getting out of here until YOU LEAVE!" she cried, trying to cover herself up under the water.

"Ladies, I didn't come here to see you naked, or to make you get out of the water naked, or anything like that," the old man reassured them, holding up the bucket. "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

MORAL: Old people can still think quickly when they need to.

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get LOST

A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.
The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.
The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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You're playing Team Fortess 2... you are a heavy and you have two medics... you are taking out everone on the other team so easy... another medic aproaches... THEN HE TURNS INTO A SPY AND STABS YOU IN THE SPINE!
SPY PWNS ALL!

Double post you can't do nothing about!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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You're playing Team Fortess 2... you are a heavy and you have two medics... you are taking out everone on the other team so easy... another medic aproaches... THEN HE TURNS INTO A SPY AND STABS YOU IN THE SPINE!
SPY PWNS ALL!

Time for a blonde joke! *brick'd and pummeled with millions of tiny sharp rocks*

A Blonde walks into a store and says to an employee, "I'd like to buy this TV." The employee replies, "We don't sell to blondes." The woman gets frustrated and leaves the store.

The next day, she comes back, wearing different clothes and says to a different employee, "I'd like to buy this TV." The employee says, "Sorry ma'am, we don't sell to blondes." She again gets mad and leaves the store.

A few days later, she comes back wearing baggy clothes and a wig. She goes to the employee from the first day and says, "I'd like to buy this TV." The man says "Ma'am, Sorry but we don't sell to blondes." The woman takes off the wig and says, "How did you know?!" The man points to the TV and says, "Ma'am, this isn't a TV, it's a microwave."

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haha, yeah, ive heard that before!

ok, 4 blondes and a redhead are hanging onto a vine over a pit of alligators. (dont ask how they got there.) the vines begins to snap, and they all realize the one person will have to let go. of, course, all the blondes vote the redhead off.well, the redhead tells her life story and the blondes clapped. HAHAHAHA!!!
Another one:
ok, a blonde, a bruntette and a redhead were walking down the street and they see this corvette. the steal it, and theyre driving and the police is on their tail. well, they pull over next to and alley and run inside. they see 3 empty potato sacks, and they each jump in one. the policeman drives up and gets his guard dog. he goes into the alley. he tells the dog to sniff the first potato sack. It has the bruntette in it. *sniff sniff*
*Meoww...*
"oh, thats just a sack full of kittens." he goes to the next sack, which has the redhead. *sniff sniff*
*Awwwr, Awwrr...*
"oh, thats just a sack full of puppies." he goes to the last one, which has the blonde.
*sniff sniff*
"Potato, Potato."
HAHAHA

There are 3 men in a giant pit that they can't get out of. While they hopelessly try to escape, one finds a buried lamp in the ground. He brushes the dirt out and a genie flies out. "I will each grant you one wish," The genie said. The first man said, "I want to be with my wife and kids." So then, POOF! He's gone. The second says, "I'd just like to be back at my house." POOF! He's gone. The third man says, "Wow, a wish?! Man...its kinda lonely...I wish my friends were back here..."

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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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You're playing Team Fortess 2... you are a heavy and you have two medics... you are taking out everone on the other team so easy... another medic aproaches... THEN HE TURNS INTO A SPY AND STABS YOU IN THE SPINE!
SPY PWNS ALL!

Anuda blond joke!

A brunette is jumping up and down saying "42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42 42"

A blond comes along and says, "Hey, Can I join you?"

The brunette agrees.

They both jump up and down yelling 42 for a while when suddenly the brunette steps aside quickly. A train comes too fast for the blond, who is killed instantly.

The brunette get back on the tracks and says, "43 43 43 43 43"


One more!


Three people are being interviewed for a job in the CIA. Two men and a woman.

The first man is taken into a room. The man is told "Behind that door is your wife. Take this gun and kill her". He replies, "that's horrible, I could never shoot my wife." They say, "Then you're not the right man for the job."

The second man has the same situation, and he manages to enter the room. Silence is heard for 5 minutes. He comes out in tears, saying he just couldn't do it.

The woman is also given the situation, except with her husband. The interveiewers hear gunshots, banging, and silence. She comes out, wiping sweat of her brow, saying, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Ahh, blonde jokes. Funk told me one involving a blonde mixing up "blowing the safe" and "punching the guard". Crap times.

One day a guy walks into an insane asylum and sees one of the doctors there writing something. He goes up to him and asks "How do you guys tell who's crazy and who's not?"
"Well" the doctor says, "We put 'em in a room with nothing but a bucket, a spoon, and a tub filled with water."
"Oh, I get it! If the guy empties it with the bucket, he's sane! But if he empties it with a spoon, he's insane!"
"No, a sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"

I also know a coupla offensive Holocaust jokes told by fat, woman whistling construction workers.

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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You're playing Team Fortess 2... you are a heavy and you have two medics... you are taking out everone on the other team so easy... another medic aproaches... THEN HE TURNS INTO A SPY AND STABS YOU IN THE SPINE!
SPY PWNS ALL!

A blonde entered a beauty pagent, but there was a rule that banned two-piece swimsuits, so she asked the organizer "Which piece do I take off?"

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Former writer for WGN's Bozo Show 1993-96.

Wtf? Dead baby jokes are hilarious.

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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You're playing Team Fortess 2... you are a heavy and you have two medics... you are taking out everone on the other team so easy... another medic aproaches... THEN HE TURNS INTO A SPY AND STABS YOU IN THE SPINE!
SPY PWNS ALL!

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?