STUPID PRODUCT RANTS II

Didymus · **Posted:** Wed Mar 28, 2007 3:24 am

Okay, I tried to start this game a long time ago when the forum was still new (back before there was a Forum Games board). Unfortunately, some people thought it was a serious thread, and so it didn't catch on.

Here's how to play. The first person posts a Stupid Product (could be a name brand, or a product type). The second person then makes a rant about that product, attempting to make it look as stupid as possible. Can include things like healthiness ("Eat this product - IF YOU WANT TO DIE OF EIGHT FREAKING CONSECUTIVE HEART ATTACKS!"), target demographic ("Oh yeah, I'd totally buy this - IF I WAS A TEENAGE JAPANESE GIRL LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE!"), or the product commercials ("Why is it they always show all these hot girls in beer commercials? Is that what those guys' ugly wives look like after they've had enough of them or what?")

Rants should be as scathing and as sarcastic as possible, and should cover as much territory as possible without becoming monotonous.

And once your rant is done, post another stupid product for the next person to rant about.

Example:

First Person: Mountain Dew. MMM-mmm! Concentrated sugar water with extra caffeine, please. Who needs cocaine when there's good ol' Mountain Dew? Just one sip, and you'll be running around like Speedy Gonzoles for the rest of the freaking day! Now try new Mountain Dew Lite, with the caffeine of only eight cups of dark roast coffee instead of sixteen.

Next Product: Lucky Charms

Second Person: [Accent=Irish]Frosted Lucky Charms. The delightful cereal that's only 99.44% marshmallows. In fact, if we put any more freaking marshmallows in it, the FDA won't let us call it a cereal anymore. Besides, we've already got marshmallows for just about everything but the freaking kitchen sink. (Kitchen sink? That gives me an idea...)[/accent]

Next Product: Cocoa Pebbles.

Get the idea?

Product: Star Wars Episode I.

Revenge of the Burninated · **Posted:** Wed Mar 28, 2007 12:09 pm

Oh, another Dark Lord of the Sith! But this time he hardly talks and looks like a football fan! And just what Star Wars needed--an annoying, whiny kid. Wow, C3PO survived the whole series. Just the character I wanted to see mroe of! If not him, than our favorite character, Jar Jar Binks! Who doesn't love the weirdly-speaking companion there to get us in trouble! Add another three hours of politics, and the movie is perfect!

Low-Calorie calorie is a unit of energy Energy Drinks.

Shippinator Mandy · **Posted:** Wed Mar 28, 2007 3:06 pm

Oh, yes! An energy drink that REMOVES ONE OF THE ENERGY-GIVING COMPONENTS! What a BRILLIANT idea! :rolleyes:

Head-On.

Somm-1 · **Joined:** Mon Feb 13, 2006 4:15 pm **Posts:** 2507

Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead. Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead.
BUT WHAT DOES IT DO?!?!?!

Little Kidlet shows

Dewy · **Posted:** Wed Mar 28, 2007 4:07 pm

COLORS! SHAPES! AND HIPPIE RANTINGS ABOUT SAVING THE WHALES AND THE RAIN FORESTS!

NEXT SUBJEKT

Mountain. Dew.

The Zephyr Song · **Posted:** Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:18 pm

Mountain Dew! Ah, glorious Mountain Dew. I can't think of anything that I'd rather drink on a hot summer day than Mountain Dew. Except for maybe fresh cat pee. In fact, I think that might be exactly what Mountain Dew is. It wouldn't surprise me. They both glow under a blacklight, anyway. Mountain Dew dissolves yer mind, man. Why do you think the Ritalin isn't working?

Next Product: Genuine Replicas of anything

Didymus · **Posted:** Thu Mar 29, 2007 4:11 am

Ooh yeah! Just what I always wanted! A freaking Genuine Replica of some thing I never even gave a crap about in my freaking life! You know if it says "The Franklin Mint" on it, it must be a total waste of freaking money. Oh, yeah! This piece of [s]junk[/s] history has "attic" written all over it!

New Product: Pikachu.

Revenge of the Burninated · **Posted:** Thu Mar 29, 2007 5:29 pm

Yes, the definition of a powerful warrior--a cheat-ripoff Bugbear! That's certainly the coolest new character. Forget powerful dragons--I want to fight with the squeaky yellow guy!

Next Product--K2O

Pop_tire1 · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 4:47 pm

Today we've got three exclusive characters from Microsoft Word K, 2 and O. Forget the actual word processor, we've got the most important letters themselves. You could type interesting things liek K2O, KO2, which is almost like the best MMORPG ever made, and O2K. What could you do with out K2O?

Next Product:
Colon Mocharie

Didymus · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:17 pm

Okay, all I've got to say is, WHAT THE FREAKING CRAP! This idiot bald guy is on some dumb TV show about improv comedy. He's Bald, and - get this! - he's freaking Canadian! So anyway, he comes on this TV show, acts like a total idiot, trying to blind us with that mirror-surfaced forehead of his! And now he's prancing around in a freaking TUTU! Boys and girls, I'm not sure I'd want to accept random snacks from some guy in a TUTU, even if they did only have 100 calories! (Oh, but I bet they have lots of protein!) I mean, just freaking weird! Here's a hint: Take your bacon-eating self back to the Great White North, ya freaking weirdo!

New Product: Count Chocula.

ChickenLeg · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:39 pm

Behold! A breakfast cereal that rots your teeth and turns your children into goth converts! Eat and let the sad, mopey you flow through!

Next product: SimCity

Revenge of the Burninated · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:49 pm

> BTW, K2O is a really stupid "protein water" that seems to think "2O" just means "water". With real chemical notation, K2O would be dipottasium oxide, which would probably be highly flamable.
We now return to our regularly scheduled rants already in progress.<

Didymus · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:20 pm

Sim CIty: Let me get this straight, someone actually created a game where you pretend to be an overrated desk jockey? "Look at me, everybody! I'm Ed Krotch!" And basically all you do is pretend to be an iron-fisted dictator of a city - and you can't even freaking have people executed? Where's the fun in that? Oh, ho, ho! But you can summon Gojira or Hurricane Albert to completely destroy the city when you finally get it up and running! TAKE THAT, HONEST HARD-WORKING CITIZENS!! No, scrap this big piece of lose and fail. Give me a game where I can actually DO something!

New Product: The Fantastic Four (yeah, that movie with those people in it).

Revenge of the Burninated · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:42 pm

Is that astronaut outfit regulation, Invisible girl? I've got a strong feeling it's not. Some heros these are--Johnny flies a heat-seeking missle into a barge potentially full of innocent people! But don't worry, instead of bringing back one of the awesomest villians for the sequel, we get Capri-Sun man! Even the preview was disappointing--when I saw the trailer I thought it was Spiderman, not more of this crap!

Next Product--Runescape

netzen · **Posted:** Fri Mar 30, 2007 11:57 pm

Oh yea, so everyone who visits this forum can have LESS of a life. And seriously, where's the gameplay? All you do is right-click, select, repeat. No fun at all. And making it so that the poor people who can't affored membership get nothing but the table scraps... just proves their cons.

Next product: Bobble heads.

Droideka · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2007 12:37 am

Bobble heads. They sit in people's rear windshields and bobble, WHAT'S THAT ALL ABOUT??? I mean, bobble this, bobble that. JUST BLOW THEM ALL UP!!!

Next item: Roller skates

ChickenLeg · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2007 9:00 pm

Roller skates! They have big or insanely thin wheels on 'em! Ameturs with no patience will throw them at their dogs for falling down one too many times! But those who do will look like dorks, becasue skateboards are where itzat!

Next: Ashtrays

Dewy · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2007 9:38 pm

Ashtrays! Perfect for putting out your flaming paper sticks, or for smashing over people's heads! In metal, porcelain and now GLASS!

Yon Nexteth Prawdukt

Goldeneye Source

20X6_chairscoot · **Posted:** Sat Apr 07, 2007 12:45 pm

Goldeneye Source! The best in not-able-to-make-my-own-game-engine-so-I-leech-off-other-people's-work.

And our next item: Cartoons on your computer

ninjamitsuki · **Posted:** Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:04 pm

Cartoons?! On your computer?!

Ridicolous! Cartoons are meant for television, not the computer! Dern kids and they're computers. They have to do everything on them there computers! Back in my day we only got to watch cartoons on saturday mornings! And now, look! They have cartoons on those dern computers!

[I'm horrible at this...]

The Snork · **Posted:** Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:08 pm

It's the new sensation that's sweeping the nation! It's absolutely nothing! Have you ever wanted to fly through the sky? Have you ever wanted the will to do whatever you want? Have you ever wanted anything? Too bad, because now you can order... NOTHING! Live out your useless dreams of emptiness. Now for zero dollars.

Next product: Purposely moldy cheese

ninjamitsuki · **Posted:** Wed Apr 11, 2007 8:32 pm

I don't even need to rant about this...

Next topic: a plastic bag

depressed_mainiac · **Joined:** Thu Dec 21, 2006 8:48 pm **Posts:** 7

head on applyd dircly to the forehead (only taken by injecttion)

Shippinator Mandy · **Posted:** Tue Apr 17, 2007 7:48 pm

It's the hip new thing: Totally Nonsensical Posts! Who DOESN'T love those?! Well, except, y'know, everyone.

Next up: Homestar Runner!

ChickenLeg · **Posted:** Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:05 pm

Homestar Runner? Who WOULDN'T like a stick-pole whitey go around like as a total tard? And watch as we barely even PAY attention to our star character and instead focus on some wrestle guy from México!

The Snork · **Posted:** Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:27 pm

It's the new sensation that's sweeping the nation! It's absolutely nothing! Have you ever wanted to fly through the sky? Have you ever wanted the will to do whatever you want? Have you ever wanted anything? Too bad, because now you can order... NOTHING! Live out your useless dreams of emptiness. Now for zero dollars.

Next up to bat: Baseball bats.

Didymus · **Posted:** Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:34 pm

It's the new Louisville Slugger! Got a dog howling at night, keeping you awake? How about an annoying mother-in-law? Just grab ahold of Ol' Louie here, and go to town! Turn "Mom's" car into a junk heap! And turn that ol' howling dawg into hot dog! *BLAP!* "YIPE YIPE YIPE!" Mean ol' neighbor complaining about your loud music? Not a problem! Guy at work took your parking space? No Probolo! Those mean ol' guys in uniforms come to your door looking for you? No Problem at all! It's the Louisville Slugger! Order Yours Today!

New Product: Green Tea Energy Drinks.

Did he sell eggs? · **Posted:** Tue Apr 17, 2007 11:22 pm

Ah, wonderful! A nasty leaf smashed up into a paste, mixed with water, is now also poured into carbonated water! But not only that, they mix gallons of sugar, caffeine, and other crap you can't spell! Wee!

Product: Sony.

Didymus · **Posted:** Tue Apr 17, 2007 11:29 pm

Can you believe these freaking idiots? First they go and invent some crap called "Beta Max." Basically, it's a VCR that doesn't take regular tapes. Noooo, they gotta make it "special!" And by "special" I mean totally freaking retarded! And on the off chance you actually do find tapes for it, just watch your machine gobble 'em up like the freaking Cookie Monster! But wait, there's more! Then they go and invent this thing called a "Walkman!" It's a portable tape machine that you can carry around with you! WEEE! And now freaking Joggers wear the things so they can't freaking hear, so when you pull up your 1 ton vehicle up behind them, you have to honk your horn like a jillion times BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FREAKING HEAR YOU OVER THE MUSIC!! But wait, there's more! Then they go and invent this place called Acid Planet. And GET THIS! If you're a musician, you put your music up there for free, and people download it FOR FREE! Meaning YOU DON'T GET ONE STINKING DIME!! Oh, well, it would have all gone to THE FREAKING RIAA anyway!! I'm surprised they haven't shut the freaking place down yet because of that! Oh, and don't EVEN get me started on this stupid PSP!! Take your lazy good-for-nothing self back to Japan, Sony!

New Product: Habanero Peppers.

barwhack · **Posted:** Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:48 pm

Ever felt like lighting your tongue and bowels on fire? Well, so have I! For all of your most heart-felt compulsions to self-mutilate, self-flagillate, and generally self-conflagrate, we present: The Habañero PeppAr™. Yes, folks, this pepper that is SO HOT, that it is named after the chemical hotness Capsaicin... Capsicum chinense -- aka The Habañero PeppAr™ -- will put the gasping gripping fear of the fires of hell, back in your step! Just walk on down to your local supermarket today, and buy yourself a bushel. You'll be tearing and drooling uncontrollably in no time; only $1/peppAr. Call ahead to insure stock.Insurance for inevitable subsequent visit to the Emergency Room also available for very reasonable rate, with proof of perchase of a minimum of 3 bushels.

[s]Next up is "Microsoft Windows Vista".[/s] No takers, too long a wait.
[s]Next up "Crystal Light".[/s] No? how about:
Next up is "Pokeman Cards". >>gotta catch 'em all!<<

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STUPID PRODUCT RANTS II

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