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Righty ho, so here's the deal.
I'm nearly done with the story. The thing is...well, it's a bit longer than the other stories were. In fact, it's quite a bit longer. So, in order to make it easier on your attention spans, and to satisfy your burning curiosity as to what happened after the leprechauns sent our ten heros flinging through unknown realms, I have decided to post the story in two parts. What you are about to read is part one; it contains about half of the story. Some of you will be in it, some will have to wait for next time. [dungeonman]But never fear! The rest of the story I shall posteth soon![/dungeonman] And so, without further ado, here's
Game 5: Round 1: Chapter 1
Einoo the Spork lay insensate on the floor, moaning. A strange figure peered down at him.
“Einoo? Einoo, can you hear me?”
“Leprechaun…leprechaun error…fatal leprechaun error, please reboot and insert legitimate plot device…”
“Einoo!”
Einoo opened his eyes. A blue pac-man ghost was looking at him worriedly.
“Gu-wah-ahhaah-pacman!” yelled Einoo, jerking upright.
“Sir, are you all right?” the ghost asked calmly.
Einoo’s warp-sick brain twisted at the sudden movement, faltered for a minute, found its footing, and put together a few coherent thoughts. “Inky?”
“Yes, sir! I was worried about you there for a minute. Will you be coming back up to the command deck now?”
Pac-man…pac-man…command deck....e-mail?
Einoo looked around in amazement. He was lying on the floor in what appeared to be a spaceship corridor.
“Is this…my spaceship? The one I use for my fanstuff e-mail show??”
“Of course, sir!” Inky laughed.
“And the others from the show are here too? Blinky? Homeschool Winner?”
“Blinky and Pinky are cleaning up from that The Cheat invasion we had a few weeks ago, Clyde is in the kitchen, and I think Homeschool Winner is in the navigation room making out with the teleportation machine, which he has taken to calling ‘Jessica Alba’”
“Good, good--what? No! Bad! Stupid Homeschool! He’s gone too far! I want him drawn and quartered! And then I want the quarters halved and drawn again! And then…”
“Sir, we don’t actually have any torture devices on board the ship,” Inky pointed out helpfully.
“Well then, have Homeschool Winner make some, and then have him torture himself! Come on, take me to the bridge.”
As they entered the bridge, Einoo reflected on the strange circumstances that had brought him here. Silly Chessman. Einoo had known he wouldn’t manage to fix the time machine. Instead, he had apparently created a device that traveled into other stories. Fortunately, Einoo had been thrown into a very favorable dimension.
“Ahhhh,” said Einoo as he eased into the commander’s chair. “There’s just nothing quite as satisfying as having a five-mile long spaceship at your fingertips. And best of all, all those people who want to shoot me are probably a million light-years away!”
“Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” said Homerun Starrer.
Einoo screamed, almost ripping the command chair off its mounting as he swiveled to face the other forummer, who had been quietly standing behind him the whole time.
“Yikes! Don’t shoot!” yelled teh Spork. “Inky, attack!”
The ghost looked confused for a moment, then shrugged and charged at Homerun Starrer. “YAAAHHH!” He grabbed onto Homerun’s shoulder and began thrashing around making struggling noises.
“Um, what are you doing?” said Homerun.
“I'm.... SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF YOU! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!”
“I think you don’t understand,” said Homerun Starrer, brushing Inky away. “I’m not going to shoot you. I was hoping you could give me a lift to wherever the other players are. The game won’t be much fun if we’re just floating around isolated like this.”
“Hmm, you may have a point,” Einoo said thoughtfully. “I’ll contact the navigation deck and get us moving.”
“All right!” said Homerun. “Together we will rule the galaxy! I mean, find the other players. And, maybe shoot them.” He sat down in one of the other chairs that are always sitting around in Star Trek-style spaceship bridges.
An intercom clicked on. “DID SOMEBODY SAY STAR TREK?” came Homeschool Winner’s voice.
Einoo sighed. “No, Homeschool. That was expository narration. Nobody could hear that. Go away now.”
Click.
“No, wait, come back!” said Einoo. “I need you to plot a course for…”
“Oh, really, Jessica?” came Homeschool’s muffled voice. “Thank you. And I think your matter transference capabilities are hott…”
“HOMESCHOOL! No! Bad!”
“Sorry, man. What can I do for you?”
“Take us…somewhere!”
“Where, sir?”
Einoo made a vague, sweeping gesture with one hand towards some distant stars. “Over…there!”
The ship disappeared in a whoosh of tachyons.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a new day in…some place. The wind was blowing just enough to cool someone down and not make them cold. Mathgrant rubbed his eyes and sat up.
“Mmmm” he mumbled, “skillet nap”
He slowly rose to his feet and took stock in his surroundings. Spooky woods, figures. Almost daylight, the moons were still bright. Moons, two moons? He would have to do something about that. Still no idea where to go, or where anyone else was. At least there were no weird creatures standing right behind him.
Wait…
“Wuuuh!” yelled Mathgrant as he turned around. Right behind him, a muscular lizard-man with a four-foot long sword with a brass dragon-design hilt was dusting himself off. “Um, hello?” said Mathgrant warily.
The lizard licked his eyeball.
“Ian? Is that you? IanTheGecko?”
The lizard nodded.
“Why are you here? I thought you were sitting out this game?”
“That’s what I’ve been wondering myself,” said the fearless leader of the previous RAF games. “I was just planning on watching this round. I must have been too close to that dumb plot device and got sucked in. And it makes me mad! Now I won’t get the last post in that thread!”
“Well, hey, what better place to watch than from inside the game? With your help, we can rule the galaxy! I mean, maybe you can help me out here. I don’t have a weapon, I don’t even know where to go.”
“I would suggest we get out of these spooky woods and head for that spooky village over there,” said Ian.
“I don’t like this place,” said Mathgrant as he lead the way through the deserted and genuinely spooky streets of the spooky village. “Maybe you should go first through this sleezy back alley." He turned to face the lizard man. “I feel like somebody’s watching--Gaah!”
Standing right behind him was a large bald guy with completely blue skin.
“Oh, Ian. That’s still you, isn’t it. Rotating avatar, right?”
The blue man nodded silently.
“Creeeepy…..”
“All right, enough of this!” said Mathgrant impatiently after a few moments. “I just know someone’s about to kill me! Well, I won’t go quietly! Ian, attack!!”
Ian shrugged. There was quite clearly no one there.
“Well then, don’t just stand there! Attack the air, man!”
Ian leapt in the air, swinging his battle tubulum skillfully. The air, not being much of a fighter, withstood the attack for only a few moments before it gave up and fled in terror, receding as far away from the bluman as possible.
“Well, that’s really not what I wanted to happen,” said Mathgrant, as Ian writhed on the ground in asphyxiation. As he died, he rotated again, becoming a South Park character. Mathgrant grinned.
“Oh my gosh! They killed--”
“We will be having NONE of that worn out joke, Mathboy!” shouted a voice from above. Mathgrant looked up to see a mysterious robed figure with a diamond-covered cane standing on a [s]fire escape[/s] balcony above the alley.
“C’mon, I couldn’t help it!” protested the Mathgrant. “Who are you supposed to be, anyway? Do you know where we are?”
“I would loath to go into a long-winded explanation now,” the robed figure cackled as he jumped down from the balcony. “All you need to know is this: I am the Noid. You’re in my fanfic. Prepare to die.”
The Noid swung his cane, which Mathgrant hastily dodged. Swing. Dodge. Swing. Dodge.
“I am the Noid. You’re in my fanfic! Prepare to die!”
“Why do you keep saying that??” yelled Mathgrant. “Oh, wait…Princess Bride reference? Well, I’ve got a movie quote for you. Tonight, dying’s not on the menu!” Mathgrant bent and picked up the battle tubulum which was still lying on Ian’s South Park body. “YAAAAAAAHHH!!” Mathgrant squeezed his eyes shut and swung the weapon wildly. When he opened his eyes, the Noid was lying on the ground.
“Help me…” he moaned.
Mathgrant gloated over his fallen enemy. “Ha! I win! Not such a hoity-toity noidy now, are you--”
“Gocha!” yelled the Noid, leaping to his feet and giving the Mathgrant a solid THWACK with his cane. “And that’s not” he added as he swung his cane so fast Mathgrant could barely block it, “a movie quote. Dangeresque II is not a real movie.”
“What?? Well, uh, this time, you won’t get away with it!” Mathgrant exclaimed as he smacked his assailant soundly on the head. “Obi-Wan Kenobi said that like fifty times!” The Noid flew against the side of a building and crumpled to the ground. “Ha! I win! Not such a hoity--”
“Psyche!!” yelled the Noid.
THWACK!
“Man, you really don’t catch on too quick! And you quotes are terrible!” laughed the Noid. “Oops!” he added as he jumped up and nailed his head on the fire escape ladder he had been lying under. With a groan, the Noid fell backwards into a small stairway.
Cautiously, Mathgrant crept down the stairway and peered at the Noid. “The name’s Grant,” he said smugly, “Math Grant. Not such a hoit--”
THWACK!
“Wow, I could do this all day!” the Noid laughed. “You are so gullible! I love it!”
“I am not!”
“Hey look, the stupidest trick ever!” said the Noid, pointing behind Mathgrant.
“Where??”
THWACK!
Needless to say, only one player emerged from the stairwell alive.
A strange shimmering appeared in the air in front of the Noid. A figure seemed to dissolve in reverse and materialize before the Noid. “Forsooth!” he cried. “It is Felix, come down from his ship in the skies just as the prophecies foretold! I knew it!”
“Not I-knew; Ee-new! Long e. Long e!” said the newcomer indignantly.
“What?”
“I have long E, I say long E! I’m a long E man! Long E long E!” The stranger seemed very agitated. “Long E, Noid! The longest E! Long my E! Long long long long long long E!!!!”
Wait…the Noid knew this guy…
“Well, this is no good!” the Noid exclaimed. “I did it all wrong! Go back out and come in again.”
“What?”
He turned his back, waited for a moment, and then turned around again. “Forsooth! It is Einoo the Spork, from the RAF game, here to…um…what the heck are you doing here, anyway?”
“How about I kill you, then I head back to my spaceship and look for the other players?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Excellent.”
“Except, not the killing me part. How about we just head back to your spaceship?”
“Oh, OK.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a quiet day in the land of Quietland. Everything was quiet. Not a sound was to be heard. Nothing but silence. The sound of one hand clapping. You know what I'm talking about. It was absolute noiselessness.
Ju Ju Master roamed the street in a daze. The shock of the dimensional portal had hit him especially hard. He couldn’t quite figure out what was going on, or why he had such a strong feeling that this had happened before.
He wondered where he was going.
He came to a familiar brick building, and looked up. The JuJu dojo? Hey, I have done this before! Distracted, he walked into the building. That time machine worked! I’m stuck back in game 1 of RAF!! Or was it game 2? I wish I could remember! I feel like somebody crawled into my skull and gave my brain a kick in the rear!
Suddenly Ju Ju looked up. He was standing in front of a bunch of JuJu students, all staring at him expectantly.
Panicked, Ju Ju Master began to babble, still trying to remember what happened next. “Um, Ju Ju Student must be one with cabbage, for cabbage is…a volatile vegetable. A violent hand creates chaos, uh, but a gentle hand produces defense.”
Suddenly, Einoo and the Noid burst into the room. “Ju Ju, what are you doing? Are you all right?” asked the Spork.
Wait a minute, now I remember! I don’t like how this ended!
Too late. The cabbage piece leaped from his hand and began to grow. In moments, the little bitty cabbage became an eight foot monster.
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!
“Um…” Ju Ju looked at the Kabbage Kong. “Uummmm…uuummmmm…uuummmmmmmmmmm….” Finally he got a bright idea.
He grabbed Einoo the Spork and shoved him into the monster’s arms.
“Here!”
RAAOOWR!
Ju Ju Master fled the room, with the Noid close behind.
Outside, the Noid and the Ju Ju stopped to catch their breath, and met up with Homerun Starrer.
“Come on, lets get out of here,” yelled the Ju Ju.
Homerun sighed. “I hate to just leave Einoo like that! He was sort of the leader, you know, he was the one with the spaceship…”
“Buddy,” said the Noid, “I don’t know about you, but in my book, when the vegetables start eating the utensils, that means it’s time to leave.”
“But where can we go?” Homerun protested as they walked across the street. “Without the spaceship-“
Suddenly a car pulled up right in front of them, nearly running over Ju Ju. The driver rolled down the window and leaned his head out.
“Hi guys!”
“Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest!” Homerun said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“I didn’t like the world that the stupid guest author stuck me in,” COLA explained. “So, I left.”
“You just…left? You stepped out of one world and into another because you didn’t like it?” said The Noid.
“Yeah?”
“Remind me to make you teach me how to do that sometime.”
“Whatever. C’mon, hop in. What are you waiting for?”
“Where are we going?” said Homerun.
COLA grinned. “Why, to advance the plot, of course!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest drove the car down a quiet interstate. He squinted into the rearview mirror and frowned with concern. “There’s an awful lot of traffic coming up fast behind us,” he said. “What do you think is going on?”
“Hummm.” Ju Ju Master frowned at the mass of cars coming up behind them. “Whatever it is, you better speed up so we don’t get run over.”
Even as COLA accelerated, the massive group of cars and trucks continued to gain on them with alarming speed.
“There are people on those cars!” exclaimed Homerun. “Or…what are those things? And who’s that in the middle?”
The mass of cars moved closer, and the four gamers could see a figure on one of the cars that seemed to be the center. The ‘people’ on the other cars all swarmed around him.
The figure was wearing a bright red shirt with PANDEMONIUM written across the back.
The Noid stared. “No way…”
TO BE CONTINUED!
_________________
"CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME!!!!"
- Unknown
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