Well, you guys.....first, I wanted to say thank you for being patient while I put this thing together. It's been a lot of fun to make, but it ended up much longer, and took much longer, than I realized at first. There was something else I wanted to say, but I can't remember what it is.
So, let's return to our story, which, when we left it, was following Ju Ju Master, Einoo, and others driving down a pretty boring interstate which was about to be made interesting by a lunitic on top of a car. Today, we will go back to before the cabbage incident to find out why he is on the car in...
Game 5: Round 1: Chapter 2
Clan rHrN could feel it. Today was a good day. Before he had suffered defeat, discouragement, and even ridicule, but not today. Today was his day. Today was Clanday.
He stood in a secret underground bunker full of secret underground gadgets, three miles beneath Stu’s backyard. Stu himself sat at a table, eating a pizza and looking over some secret plans. One wall was completely covered with a massive collection of YuGiOh cards. A weapons cabinet held various swords; pistols, pink and otherwise; and a prominent set of golden claws.
An alarm beeped, and a blue hedgehog dashed out of one of the turbolift tubes that ran from the surface. “Mr. Aracharen!” he exclaimed. “There’s a whole horde of angry wiki trolls coming after you! You’ve received a communication from two shady characters calling themselves Pudding Man and CandyFreak.”
Clan looked at the document. “Hmm. It appears we have some new enemies. Stu, we’ll want a full reconnaissance effort to find out more about these guys. Get a hold of every one of our underworld contacts, set up round-the-clock satellite surveillance, get somebody to dress up like a kangaroo and—“
“CandyFreak and Pudding Man? Don’t you think that might just be Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest and Jello-B with pseudonyms?” said Stu.
Clan gasped. “Jello…pudding…ah hah! Their ruse cannot fool me!
“So you think it’s a trap?” asked the Hedgehog.
“But of course,” said Clan.
“What should we do?”
Clan lowered his voice to what he judged to be a significantly ominous tone. “Spring the trap.”
He began gathering his weapons. “Stu, get the car. We will meet them and have an all-out roof-top high speed car chase ultimate highway brawl!” He started towards the garage.
“Good luck, Clanny!” called Hillary Duff from the next room. “I’ll be waiting for you!”
“Who-wha-ha-ha-HILLARY!! Hillary!!!” Clan did an about-face. “New plan, Stu. YOU spring the trap. I’m going to stay here for a while.”
“Come on, Clan,” said Stu. He grabbed Clan’s arm and began dragging him out.
“Aaawwww…”
“Ready?” asked Stu. Clan looked out the back window to see two black cars coming up fast.
“Ready,” said Clan. He strapped a device resembling a YuGiOh duel disk to his left arm, slipped on his gold claws, and climbed out the window onto the roof of the Clanmobile.
The two cars came up on the right side and began trying to ram Clan’s Chrysler off the road. Clan jumped to the roof of the nearest car, kicked in the passenger side window, slid into the car, and did his claw business on the driver’s face. Then he shoved the steering wheel hard to the right and jumped out the driver’s window, catching his own vehicle as the driverless car slammed into the second car and both crashed into the ditch.
A whole convoy of cars was coming up on both sides now. A semi-truck pulled up towards the rear of the pack. Doors opened on the side of the trailer, and a small army of wiki trolls swarmed out. Clan lifted his left arm and squeezed a trigger on the duel disk thing. A bolt of energy sizzled from the weapon and vaporized the first of the trolls. The trolls jumped from the trailer onto the roofs of the cars all around Clan, and jumping from roof to roof, made their way towards him. Clan continued to mow down the swarm of trolls until his weapon made a sizzling noise and stopped working; then he ripped it off his arm and threw it at the nearest troll’s head. The trolls swarmed all around him and prepared to jump onto his car. Clan steeled himself and adjusted his claws.
Ju Ju Master, Homerun Starrer, and the Noid watched in amazement as Clan jumped, dodged, kicked, and sliced, cutting down trolls right and left. When the melee had almost caught up with the RAFfers, the troll barrage came to a halt.
The cars parted, and an ominous black Lincoln pulled up behind the Clannmobile. A sinister figure emerged from the Lincoln, swung himself onto the roof, and drew a heavy sword. Clan reached to his belt and pulled out a matching sword, beckoning the other to come over.
“It’s COLA!” the Noid exclaimed. “COLA, it’s you!”
“What? Take the wheel, Ju Ju!”
COLA climbed into the back seat.
“There’s two of you!” exclaimed the Noid. “COLA, you must travel through time again!”
COLA stared at the figure on top of the Chrysler. “Somehow I don’t think that’s the real me,” he said.
The Noid took a closer look. The other Choc-o-Lardiac was wearing an “ANTI-CLAN ORGANIZATION” T-shirt, seemed to be foaming at the mouth, and had a button affixed to the front of his shirt with a picture of a squidly-headed being and the words “I <3 Chuthaloo.”
“ ‘Chuthaloo?’” wondered the Noid.
“Yeah, that’s definitely not me,” said COLA. “My guess is it’s a fake created out of Clan’s ideas of me.”
The Noid gaped. COLA was now holding a giant six-barreled minigun. “Where did you get that???!!1? You didn’t have that a minute ago!”
“It was in the glove compartment.”
“But…but…”
“This is one of my best friends for situations like this. I call him ‘Chuck Norris.’”
Outside the window, Clan and the pseudo-COLA leapt from car to car in a fierce display of swordsmanship. As Clan jumped onto the Lincoln’s hood in pursuit of his foe, the driver bobbled the steering wheel, making him stumble. Pseudo-COLA knocked him down and lunged with his sword. Clan rolled, and the falchion went straight through the roof of the car into the driver’s shoulder. The Lincoln began slowing and weaving dangerously.
“Ah, COLA,” said Ju Ju, eyeing the giant gun named Chuck Norris, “finally going to get your revenge against Clan, eh?”
“No.”
Clan did a backflip, landing on the Chrysler’s roof. “Don’t try it, Cola!” he yelled. “I have the high ground!”
“Dummy! That part doesn’t come until later in the story,” the fake COLA yelled.
“Huh?”
Suddenly the Lincoln was rear-ended. The car flew forwards; psuedoCOLA used the momentum and flew at Clan. With a swipe of his sword, he sent Clan’s falchion flying, and knocked Clan off the side of the car. Clan grabbed the mirror and scrambled wildly, trying to put more distance between his knees and the pavement rushing by at eighty-five miles an hour.
“Clan! Do the Jedi thing!” Stu called from inside.
“Huh?”
“Jedi thing!”
“Okay,” Clan said nervously. “Um, Cola, you don’t want to kill me.” He tried to wave his hand mysteriously, but found this was difficult for a man in his position.
“What?” said pseudoCOLA.
“You don’t want to kill me. You want to help me up and finish this fight fairly.”
“Um, no I don’t.”
“No, Clan, the other Jedi thing!” yelled Stu.
“Oh, right.” Clan finally found his footing and lunged upwards, claws extended; in a moment pseudoCOLA found that, like Dooku, Anakin, and Luke, he had lost both his sword and the hand that had been holding it.
Clan caught the sword and the hand, tossed one away, and brandished the other menacingly in pseudoCOLA’s face. “Ha! Now what do you say, fiend?”
“You got it backwards again,” said pseudoCOLA.
Clan hastily stopped waving the severed hand in COLA’s face, hunted around for a bit, and finally straightened up again with the falchion.
“There! Now if you will just give me a moment to think of a reasonably witty killing-you-remark…”
Back in the other car, the real Choc-o-Lardiac leaned out the window and squeezed the trigger.
The fake Choc-o-Lardiac slid off the back of Clan’s car. CHUCK NORRIS’D.
COLA explained, “I don’t really feel like killing Clan. But I WON’T let Clan have the satisfaction of killing me.”
Clan turned on the other RAFfers. “Who dares spoil my victory?!” With a battle cry he was on top of the car.
The Noid stuck his head out the window. “Clan, you’re insane! You’re making less sense than that time when you kept making jokes about a moose giving driving lessons!”
“Come on, we have to stop him!” he added, climbing onto the roof.
All right, gotta help Noidy, thought Homerun.
Now lets see, where did I put that sack of sharp pointy things?
COLA laughed like a maniac. “You know what? I bet that isn’t the real Jello-B, either.” Chuck Norris roared again, and the driver of the semi-truck was history.
On top of the car, The Noid parried Clan’s falchion with his diamond-covered staff.
Here it is…now what should I use? Butcher knife? Rapier? Chainsaw? Very sharp pencils?
“And I’m
sure that isn’t the real Stu!” A third burst from Chuck Norris, and the faux Stu slumped dead in his seat.
The Noid laughed as he knocked Clan’s sword away, and Clan began trying to block the Noid’s blows with his claws.
What the heck? I can’t even get the bag open! Who tied these knots??
With no driver, the Clannmobile swerved out of control and plowed directly into the RAFfers’ car. Both cars screeched across the road and crashed into the ditch at high speeds, the occupants surviving only due to that weird quirk of physics which states that main characters can survive anything if they are still important to the story.
The Noid slowly rose to his feet, and made his way towards Clan, who had been thrown farther. “Finally, we will stop Clan!”
“Nope!” said Clan, producing a tiny pistol. In one shot, the Noid’s noiding days were over.
Clan stood up and shot the Noid’s body again and again.
“What are you doing?” said COLA, crawling from the wreckage. “He’s already dead, stupid.”
“He’s probably trying to get twenty shots in,” said Ju Ju. “He said something in the sign-ups about turning into Axel if he got twenty shots with his pistol.”
“But that doesn’t work, right?”
At that moment, Clan reached shot #20. To COLA’s surprise, a glowing aura surrounded Clan and he began to transform. “HA! Behold!”
I suppose, in retrospect, I should have kept one of the sharp pointy things out of the sack, so I would have something to cut the sack open with....
Unfortunately for Clan, Norman Rorqual had never bothered to look up who Axel was. So instead of the mighty warrior he was hoping for, Clan became a generic, vaguely YuGiOh-ish-looking anime guy. With shurikens.
Clan was appalled. “No no no!” he wailed at the sky. “Not
shurikens!!! They’re chakrams! Chakrams! What kind of guest mod are you?? Are you even paying attention…”
Oh for pete sake!
Homerun gave up on the knots, and swung the whole sack at Clan. Clan was unsure whether to suffer stab wounds or impact wounds, and died from confusion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m glad that’s finally over,” said Homerun Starrer. Of the RAFfers he had seen so far, only Ju Ju Master and COLA were still alive. “What I want to know,” he continued, “is what do we do now? Einoo and his spaceship are gone, and now with the car wrecked…”
“Actually, the spaceship is not gone,” said Ju Ju Master. “I managed to grab these off Einoo before that cabbage got him.” He swung a set of keys from his finger.
“The keys to the spaceship!” exclaimed Choc-o-Lardiac.
“Exactly. All we have to do is push a button on here and beam on up. Now, I wonder which button to press?” He examined the remote, which looked like a keyless entry fob, then pressed a button at random.
High above the planet, the mighty spaceship turned in its orbit in response to the remote control. The automatic weapons system came online and fired horrifying blasts of unbelievable energy at the surface of the planet, completely obliterating the capitol city of that world. With this loss, the political and economic structure of the planet would quickly collapse, throwing the planet into turmoil and igniting a fierce worldwide civil war that would last three centuries and end by instating the five-hundred year reign of terror of the Khlemblusckians.
“Well, that wasn’t it,” said Ju Ju. “How about this one?” He pressed another button. On board the ship, a doorbell chimed, and everyone’s favorite secret homestar character roused himself to press a button on his favorite piece of spaceship machinery. The three RAFfers shimmered and materialized in the teleportation chamber known as Jessica Alba.
The three RAFfers had a brief discussion and decided that, rather than try to explain to the crew why they had thrown Einoo to ravenous, man-eating cabbage, they would simply lock the crew up in a storage room and fly the ship themselves.
After the crew was locked up, they had another discussion and decided that none of them had any idea how to fly a spaceship.
“It’s okay, we can totally figure this out!” said Ju Ju Master. “Homerun, you head back to the engine room and see if you can get the hyperdrive started. Me and COLA will stay here and fight over who gets to sit in the command chair.”
Homerun looked around the engine room in confusion. What did they expect him to do, anyway? He didn’t have any idea---wait, what was that?
Homerun laughed out loud. “Figures,” he said. “The time machine was a gameboy in a blender, and the cross-story dimensionalizer was a PSP in a meat grinder. Why
wouldn’t the hyperdrive be a Palm Pilot and a paper shredder?” He picked up the Palm Pilot and jammed it into the slot.
GGGRRRIIND! GGRNNNNCCKKCHH! GGKKKKLLGGLLKGKGRRRRCHH!
The PDA shattered and sparked. Homerun stared at the ruined electronics with the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he sometimes got when, after writing a 600 word essay, he couldn’t remember if he’d pushed
save or
delete.
The intercom came on. “How are you doing?” said Ju Ju.
“Um, where’s the hyperdrive?” Homerun asked cautiously.
“It should be right behind you against the wall.”
Homerun turned and saw the big console labeled MR. HYPERDRIVE.
Deleted!
Ju Ju added, “Oh, and see if you can find Homeschool Winner’s Palm Pilot. It has all the coordinates you need to work the hyperdrive.”
“Um…” said Homerun, “um, well…bang! Bang! We’re sorry, the intercom you are trying to reach has just been shot. Kkkkcccxxxsssssssssssshhhhhhh-this is the broken-intercom staticccccccccckkkkxxkxkkxkxsssshhhhhh…” He switched the intercom off.
He stared at the incomprehensible Mr. Hyperdrive.
He decided to push all the buttons at once.
“We’re coming in too fast!” Ju Ju Master exclaimed. The journey through lightspeed had gone seemingly well, but the spaceship emerged much closer to the planet than it should have, leaving precious little room to slow down.
“I’m going to try to contact that spaceport down there,” said Choc-o-Lardiac. “I’ll see if they can help us land.”
COLA fiddled with the comm equipment. “Hello, hello, can anyone hear me?”
“HelLO!” said an electronic voice over the speaker.
“Hello?”
“HelLO!”
“Spaceport?”
“Oh yeah!”
“This is the starship
Spork’s Revenge requesting assistance with-”
“HelLO!”
“Um, hi? Is this space traffic control?”
“Oh yeah!”
“Good. We are requesting landing assistance. We’re coming in a bit too fast, at a speed of about, oh, I don’t know…Ju Ju, how fast are we going?”
“Pretty fast,” said Ju Ju.
“Yes, well, we’re coming in at a heading of…uh, Ju Ju, what’s our location?”
“Pretty close,” said Ju Ju.
“Yes, anyway, we’re in a bit of trouble. What is the procedure for this type of emergency?”
“Yes.”
“What?” said COLA. “Would-”
“HelLO!”
“Now wait, don’t you understand…”
“Greetings, travelers from Interstellar Space!”
“Yes, yes, interstellar space, and we will be coming OUT of space very quickly here if you haven’t noticed.”
“Oh yeah!”
“And we don’t know how to fly this spaceship at all.”
“Yes.”
“So we want some help in landing it.”
“Yes.”
“Can you help us?”
Silence.
“Greetings, travelers from Interstellar Space!”
“Oh dear…”
“HelLO!”
COLA banged his head against a computer.
Suddenly, a different, less mechanical voice came over the speaker. “Hello, spaceship? Can you hear me?”
COLA brightened. “Yes! Yes, what’s going on down there?”
“HelLO!” said the first voice.
“Ah,” said the second voice, “that’s the James Fishley Automated Traffic Control System. It doesn’t work very well.”
“Oh yeah!”
“Here, let me shut that thing off,” said the second voice.
“Greetings, travelers from Interstellar…” BANG! BANG!! Gunshots. A moment later the second voice came back.
“Well, that’s fixed,” he said.
“Good,” said COLA, “now you can help us land?”
“Actually, there’s not much I can do for you at this point. You’ll just have to crash-land and hope for the best.”
“WHAT?” said COLA.
“You’re ship really isn’t designed for reentry anyway. Too big,” said the traffic controller.
“But—but—” said COLA.
“Greetings, travelers from Interstellar Space!” said the emergency backup Fishley system, which had just come on-line.
“I can give you a homing signal,” offered the traffic controller. “Try to aim for the runway if you can, and not the giant molten lava fields.”
“AArrgglgblblblb…”
“HelLO!”
Several minutes later, the ship was on the planet’s surface.
“Wow, that went much smoother than I had expected,” Homerun Starrer exclaimed.
“Actually,” said Ju Ju, “we slid for several miles and nearly tore the ship apart, smashed half the control towers in this spaceport, and stopped just short of hitting the main terminal. It’s just that we used up the special effects budget on that highway fight scene.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Hey guys, have you seen my gun?” COLA wondered.
“Oh,” replied Ju Ju, “I think you left Chuck Norris back in Jessica Alba.”
“Thanks.”
Homerun shook his head.
Everyone on this ship is a lunatic except for me!
“So, where are we? This whole thing seems pretty familiar,” said Ju Ju as they stepped onto the surface of the planet.
“Somebody’s fanfic, I suppose,” COLA answered. “Except…I’ve never read anything like this, and I think it looks familiar too.”
Homerun looked at the giant river of lava flowing by the bleak, black cliffs.
“I know, same here,” said Ju Ju. “What do you think it could be?”
Homerun looked at the futuristic mining station and the outlandishly designed outriggers extending out over the lava.
“It’s almost like I’ve seen it before,” said COLA. “Do you think it could be from a movie?”
Homerun looked at the giant sign that said
Welcome to Mustafar hanging over the door to the building.
“Who knows?” said Ju Ju. “I sure can’t figure it out.”
Homerun sighed.
Lunatics!
A figure walked out of a building towards the three space travelers. They recognized him as one of the remaining RAFfers.
“SEAN’D!” exclaimed Ju Ju Master. “How have you been?”
When SEAN’d spoke, they recognized his voice as the traffic controller.
“Hello,” he said, “welcome to ‘I’m a big stupid planet who doesn’t have good traffic control’ dot com. No, seriously, I’m glad you’re here. I don’t even know why I’m on this planet. I’ve been stuck here alone forever and.”
“And what?” said COLA. “‘I’ve been stuck here alone, and you guys just won your own TV station?’ ‘I’ve been stuck here alone, and I invented a new kind of chess?’ ‘I’ve been stuck here alone and—’”
“—I’ve been shot in the head!” Ju Ju finished.
Homerun Starrer stared at Ju Ju dully. “No you haven’t.”
Ju Ju shot him an incredulous glance. “What?”
“You haven’t been shot…”
“I was talking about…”
“He’s been shot in the head!” COLA exclaimed, running up to SEAN’d’s body.
lots-a-postrophies! He looked wildly around the various towers and buildings. “A sniper!” he cried. “I hate snipers!”
He looked again at one window, and then took off running towards a large building.
Snipe hunt.
The others followed him up the steps into the building. “Only one person is left who could have done this! AH-HAH!”
COLA suddenly darted into a room and came back out dragging a haggard and maleficent-looking Chessman.
“This is all your fault, Checkerboard!” screamed COLA. “You started this whole story-hopping mess with your stupid machine, and now you’ve killed SEAN’d!”
“You can’t stop me, Choc-o-Freakyak Disaster!” the Chessman retorted. “I have grown far more powerful than you can imagine!”
“I will do what I must!” COLA declared.
“You will try,” snarled the Chessman.
“The usual way?” asked COLA.
“Of course.”
COLA and the Chessman circled each other, glaring menacingly.
Homerun whispered to Ju Ju, “What are they going to do? Some kind of insane swordsmanship fight to the death? Or do they have some kind of mystic power?”
“No,” said Ju Ju, “it’s much worse.”
Homerun gulped.
“DANCE FIGHT!!!!!”
The pacing circle became a waltz. The two combatants waltzed around the room, coming closer and closer until suddenly, the Chessman broke into a mean tango. COLA screamed as the Chessman threw him across the room. The combatants crashed into computers, smashed monitors, and tumbled down the steps to the first floor. Both combatants grabbed the other in a foxtrot hold at the same time; there was a tense pause as the two strained against each other, and then both of them went flying across the room. COLA square danced over to Chessman, but the Chessman leaped up, did a pirouette and kicked COLA in the face. Not to be outdone, COLA did a flying ballet leap, bounded off the walls, and landed a solid kneecap on Chessman’s chin.
The combatants smashed through a window, continuing the fight outside. Chessman did a Russian dance, nearly knocking COLA flat, but COLA started breakdancing and got the better of his opponent. Ju Ju and Homerun watched in awe as the epic battle unfolded, and the fighters drew closer and closer to the edge of the platform over the lava river. Suddenly COLA began to do an Irish jig, driving his opponent out onto one of the outriggers hanging over the lava.
“Come on, COLA!” Chessman called. “We must break this thing off and fight as we float in the lava, barely managing to keep our balance.”
“I’ll show you balance!” cried COLA. With a start, Chessman realized he was now holding Chuck Norris.
“Where did you get that??!??!?!?/? You didn’t have that a minute ago!”
COLA inched out onto the outrigger. “I’ve decided to end this the easy way. Any last words? Cause there’s no way you can stop me now!”
Without warning a legion of leprechauns ran from the building, belting out a song about lumberjacks and high heels. Before anyone could react they charged out onto the outrigger, quickly overwhelming both Choc-o-Lardiac and the Chessman. The two RAFfers lost their balance and tumbled off down into the molten river of lava, while leprechauns rained down around them.
Ju Ju and Homerun Starrer simply stood and stared for a good three minutes. Finally, they slowly began to head back into the compound.
“Weird,” said Homerun. “Weird, weird, weird, weird.”
“What I don’t understand,” said Ju Ju Master, as they came to the body of their sniped friend, “is how the Chessman shot SEAN’d. Look at the angle the bullet hit his head! There’s no way it could have come from the building we found him in!”
“But he’s the only one left, isn’t he?” asked Homerun. “I mean, aren’t we the only ones left alive in this game?”
Both were silent for a moment as they hastily went over the death count in their minds. … four, five, six, seven…
“NO!” cried Homerun. “There’s one left!”
“Neoguy!” exclaimed Ju Ju. “I almost forgot! He must be the real sniper!”
“And I’ll bet he’s still up there…” said Homerun.
“…watching us through a rifle scope!” Ju Ju finished.
“Should we run and hide?” Homerun asked.
“Definitely.”
“Which way?”
Ju Ju considered. “This way!!!” He pointed to the right, and ran off to the building on the left.
Homerun started to run right; faltered, confused; and with a shrug ran straight across the compound to the building right in front of them.
From a window high in the building on the right, the sunlight glinted off a steel rifle barrel as Neoguy turned and ran down the stairs.
About twelve minutes later, a dude in a Jedi robe ran down the stairs facing the lava. With a FWIPP he extended the blade on his plastic lightsabre, held it ready for a moment, then let it drop as he looked around in confusion.
“Where is everybody?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RECAP:
1.
Mathgrant shot air and was killed by the Noid.
2.
Einoo the Sporkshot air and was killed by Ju Ju.
3.
The Noid shot Mathgrant
4.
Clan rHrN shot the Noid
5.
Homerun Starrer shot Clan.
6.
Ju Ju Master shot Einoo.
7.
SEAN’D shot at Einoo (but it didn’t matter, cause he was already dead)
8.
Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest shot self.
9.
The Chessman shot self.
10.
Neoguy shot SEAN’d.
Neoguy, Ju Ju Master, and Homerun Starrer are alive. Send PM’s now!
Credits:
Einoo Emails
The Lords of Loathing The Noid's Kingdom of Loathing Fanfic.
RAF: Game 1 and 2 by IanTheGecko (duh)
The Adventures of Clan and Stu
Channel 4 Preview SEAN'D's very funny cinematic madness
And of course, Star Wars Episode III...
Did I forget anybody?
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