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A spotlight hits a stage. IantheGecko walks out. Tomatoes fly. Booers boo.
IAN: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a second!
CROWD: WE WANT RAF! KILL! KILL! KILL! WE WANT RAF! KILL! KILL! KILL!
IAN: Now hold on, everyone. Just relax yourselves!
COCKNEY WOMAN IN CROWD: OFF WITH ‘IS ‘EAD!
IAN: Now, now, ladies and gentlemen, avid RAFFers, I know the wait has been long and delayed, obscenely delayed, but cast not your bitter vegetables…
WOMAN: Fruit!
IAN: I’m sorry?
WOMAN: A tomater’s a fruit!
IAN: Cast not your bitter fruit at me, for the delay is no folly of mine, but of our guest writer, which I would like to introduce now…
The boos return as Insert Disc Two’s Chris Dunkle, guest mod of this RAF, is lowered headfirst from the ceiling, wrapped in chains.
IAN: Good evening, Chris.
CHRIS: Evening, Ian.
IAN: Don’t you have something to say to the crowd?
CHRIS: Yes, I do. I’m sorry.
IAN: And?
CHRIS: And I’ll write your RAF right now.
IAN: Good. Now get cracking.
ianthegecko begins to walk off.
CHRIS: Wait a minute! Where are you going?
IAN: To get a soda. Enjoy the RAFFing.
CHRIS: What, like this?!? I’m in chains!
IAN: You’ll be fine. Just use your imagination. Use your head.
CHRIS: My head is a little busy filling up with all of the down-falling blood rushing to it!
IAN: Bye, Chris.
He exits.
CHRIS: (Sigh.) Wonderful. Well, let’s see now. Plot device…plot device…uh…time machine!
A time machine pops out of thin air!
CHRIS: Ah….there we go…Now if I can just start the story rolling along…
He moves, slowly swinging the chains. His forehead bumps something shiny on the time machine. And if history has taught us anything about shiny things in relation to fictional, fanciful machinery, its that they make them go.
Which is what the time machine does.
POOF! It disappears in a puff of cartoonishly purple smoke that smells slightly of watermelon.
CHRIS: There we go. Now I’ll just let calamity take its course and the ol’ RAF will just write itself. Now…Ian? Can you, can you let me down now?
Silence.
CHRIS: Sigh…
MEANWHILE…
we take you to the house of SEAN'D!. He's sorting out all his Magic: The Gathering cards.
"Let's see...how many Islands this week..."
Unfortuantely, SEAN'D! has Compulsive Collector's Syndrome. He has huge towers of cards all around his house. Cards everywhere. More cards than the World Series of Poker. And that's a LOT! SEAN'D! takes one slight step & knocks over one of the huge card towers, knocking over all the others
"Oh noes! I can't get up! I'm...dead!"
SEAN'D! was in the graveyard...LITERALLY!!! Muwahahahahahaha...
**********
Smorky, Exhibit A, & Ju Ju Master were at a pillow shop. Buying blankets.
"Wow, these are some GREAT blankets!" Exhibit A smiled.
"I KNOW! So soft! So cuddly!" Ju Ju Master snuggled.
"Geez, they're not stuffed animals!" Smorky yelled. "Give it a break!"
"Hey, be NICE to the Ju Ju Master," Exhibit A scolded Smorky, "All of his students quit! Seems like they're playing a game called Ready, Aim, Fire. The object is to be the last person alive. Apparently, you can use anything you want!"
"I know that game!" Smorky perked up. "I'm playing it right now!"
"We ALL are...WHOA!" Ju Ju epiphanied.
"You know, guys, you might not want to kill me...I'm gonna go look into the pillow room..." Smorky crept into the back of the shop.
"Let's follow him, "Ju Ju Master suggested, "He's getting his weapon ready!"
"Good idea!" Exhibit A & Ju Ju Master went into the room where Smorky had gone...
...only to find that Smorky had suffocated himself.
"Aww, man! He's dead!" Exhibit A moped.
"Let's make sure he's not just asleep." Ju Ju moved forward to Smorky.
That very word, "asleep", is the very word that makes a "laser" expert like Smorky spring back to life.
"WHO DARES KILL TEH SMORK?!?"
Ju Ju Master & Exhibit A trembled in fear. "Uhhh...us, your smorkyness."
"THEN YOU BOTH SHALL DIE!" Smorky turned into a Were-Blanket, attacking them with his Soft Threads of Death!
All of a sudden IantheGecko, the store manager, peered his head into the room.
"JU JU MASTER! You ripped the tag off this pillow! It says DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW! Now you...shall...DIE!!!"
IantheGecko went old school, pulling out a 9-mm & shooting Ju Ju dead in the face. Exhibit A, however, was long dead from Smorky's blankety claws. Smorky returned to his normal state once the deed was done. "Thanks, Mr. TheGecko! That made killing a LOT easier!"
"Any time, my good rug..."
**********
The Noid & Mr.KISS were playing poker. No-Limit Sudden Death Omaha Stud, baby!
"Hmmm....I'll raise you $6,600." The Noid raised.
"I'm going All-In!" Mr.KISS decreed.
"Wow, what a great hand." The Noid smirked.
"YEP! ROYAL FLUSH, BEEYOTCH!" Mr.KISS exclaimed.
"NOOO!!!" The Noid could not take a loss. He did not have enough left to make a big blind.
"Ow, my hopes of going to the World Series of Poker!"
The Noid disappeared in a smoke of oddly-colored poker chips.
**********
200 B.C. THE DAWN OF MAN
A wily-eyed cavewoman runs grunting across an open field, tossing a spear at a raging mammoth. Shee misses, hurries to her spear, and throws it again. She misses, picks it up, and…
POOF!
A shiny time machine appears out of nowhere and lands on the open grass, probably affecting some sort of bacteria and changing the course of human history. The cavewoman throws a spear at it. The spear hits another, equally shiny button, and the door opens with a robotic voice.
TIME MACHINE: Welcome, User. Please record name at beep.
CAVEMAN: Graaggle…errrrgle!
TIME MACHINE: Beep!
CAVEMAN: Graggle ruffragglerrr! Erggyka…xyzzkagruefrotzerrr…
TIME MACHINE: Name detected. Welcome, Xyzzka Gruefrotzer.
XYZZYKA: Garg!
Grunting ever so eloquently, Xyzzka Gruefrotzer rushes into the time machine and attacks it with her cavewoman fists, mashing computer panels.
POOF!
The time machine disappears.
1876 A.D. VICTORIAN ENGLAND
Nigel Barringsworth and Phillip Chesterfield sit in a parlor playing a round of chess.
PHILLIP: More cake, Nigel?
NIGEL: Of course!
He begins chewing fiercely on a large piece of chocolate cake.
PHILIP: You realize that’s your fifth slice?
NIGEL: I can’t help it. Check. Your move. I just love the dessert so!
PHILIP: Check. Keep up that fat intake and you’re bound to go into cardiac arrest.
NIGEL: You mean, Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest!
PHILIP: Oh, you rascal! Thus you dub yourself, old boy! From now on I’ll only refer to you by that moniker.
He moves a Queen.
PHILIP: And checkmate!
CHOCO-O-LARDIAC: Hmmph! And perhaps I should dub you The Chessman, old fellow.
CHESSMAN: I believe I like the sound of that!
In a flash, the time machine appears in the small Victorian parlor!
CHOCO-O-LARDIAC: Gasp!
CHESSMAN: Egad!
Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer tumbles out of the machine, rampaging.
XYZZKA: Grrraw! Ergrawd!
CHESSMAN: I say! It’s some sort of hairy fellow!
Spooked, Xyzzka runs out into the next room, the study, and protects herself behind a musical instrument. The others follow.
CHOCO-O-LARDIAC: Hey! She’s got my cello! Give that back!
Swinging the cello like a club, Xyzzka gallops back into the parlor, knocking over the two gentlemen. They get up and chase Xyzzka back into the time machine. The Chessman trips and mashes a button. The time machine vaporizes.
30XX A.D. MOON BASE ZERO
Poof! The machine reappears on a landing deck in a shiny, comic booky, landing bay within the lunar base.
Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer, Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest, and The Chessman fall out of the time machine.
CHOC-O-LARDIAC: Good grief! Where are we?
CHESSMAN: I don’t know!
XYZZYKA: Rawww…
A row of green-skinned, oblong aliens, the Bugsprites, enter from a nearby hatch, armed with laser guns.
BUGSPRITES: Halt, intruders!
CHESSMAN: This isn’t happening!
Bugsprite2 fires a blast, barely missing the time travelers.
CHOC-O-LARDIAC: I think there’s a very good chance that this is happening, actually.
XYZZYKA: Rawr!
Xyzzyka takes off, swinging his cello at various Bugsprites. Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest and The Chessman hide behind the time machine. Laser blasts riddle the device.
BUGSPRITE4: Increase fire!
XYZZYKA: Graaaa…
BUGSPRITE9: Don’t let them escape!
CHOC-O-LARDIAC: What do we do?
CHESSMAN: We have to get out of here! Make a run for the machine!
They run for the door. As they are about to reach it they hear a voice.
VOICE: Don’t move!
They turn. A grand, glorious creature stands before them, the great leader of the Bugsprites: Bugsprite10.
BUGSPRITE10: Any silly move and you’re dead. Now tell me who you are and why have you come here!
CHOC-O-LARDIAC: We’re not sure how we got here. I’m Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest.
CHESSMAN: And I’m the Chessman.
He points to Xyzzyka.
CHESSMAN: We don’t know who he is.
CHOC-O-LARDIAC: But he’s got my cello.
BUGSPRITE10: Silence! If you won’t give my a straight answer, I will throw you in chains! Guards!
Bugsprites 3 and 5 come, wielding guns at Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest and the Chessman.
BUGSPRITE10: Now! Take them away!
VOICE: I think not, Bugsplot!
All look up to the shadows of the room. From the ceiling rafters appears a figure in gleeming white. He chuckles then slides down a beam to the deck floor. This mysterious spaceman lands on his shiny white boots and throws a grin at Bugsprite10.
SPACEMAN: Miss me?
BUGSPRITE10: You…you…blasted…
CHESSMAN: Who is it?
BUGSPRITE10: WHO IS IT?!? It’s that dastardly galactic hero…
SPACEMAN: Homeschool Winner, at your service!
Homeschool karate kicks four Bugsprites into submission and backflips over to the time machine.
HOMESCHOOL: Fancy ship you’ve got here, boys!
He peels two guns from defeated Bugsprites and tosses them to Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest and The Chessman.
HOMESCHOOL: Here! I think you could use these!
Homeschool Winner takes care of the remaining Bugsprites, until only himself, Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer, Bugsprite10, Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest, and the Chessman remain standing.
HOMESCHOOL: Give it up, Bugbrain! We have you surrounded!
BUGSPRITE10: Never!
Bugsprite10 double-jumps over a stream of laser fire. He and Homeschool begin intensely fighting, one-on-one.
In the commotion, The Chessman sneaks away and slides into the time machine.
CHESSMAN: Got to get out of here…got to get out of here…
He mashes buttons. The time machine makes a silly noise and blows smoke.
CHESSMAN: Oh no…it’s…it’s broken! I’m stuck here forever!
The others see him.
BUGSPRITE10: Hey! He’s trying to escape!
CHOC-O-LARDIAC: What?!? You can’t leave without me! I’ll be stranded here.
Not paying attention to this, The Chessman lifts his own gun to his head.
CHESSMAN: I can’t live the rest of my life in this bizarre, nonsensical world. There is…only one solution.
Bugsprite10 and Choc-o-Lardiac aim their guns at The Chessman.
BUGSPRITE10 & CHOC-O-LARDIAC: You can’t leave like this!
CHESSMAN: Goodbye, cruel world!
The Chessman, Bugsprite10, and Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest all pull the triggers of their guns. Time seems to stop. As fate would have it though, the Chessman’s trigger happened to have a .5 second delay respond time. The twin blasts from Bugsprite10 and Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest hit The Chessman’s hand, knocking his own gun out of his hand as he pulls the trigger. The blast just misses his head.
CHESSMAN: Ow!
The Chessman tumbles to the floor and falls out of the time machine.
The laser fire from the three shots, however, cause a chain reaction in the circuitry of the time machine, causing it to overheat. In a massive, giant, slightly watermelon-scented explosion, the machine…um…explodes.
Large chunks of shrapnel land on Bugsprite10 and Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest, killing them.
Xyzzyka laughs at the wreckage and starts beating on the corpse of Bugsprite10 with his instrument.
CELLO’D!
HOMESCHOOL: You know, he’s already dead, Caveman Friend.
Startled, Xyzzyka swings around and starts swinging towards Homeschool Winner.
XYZZYKA: Errrrawwwwwkkkkkzzzaaabbaaakkkaaaa!
HOMESCHOOL: I think not!
Homeschool Winner leaps into the air, double somersaults and lands at another corner of the landing bay. He presses a button on his white jumpsuit and a mechanical apparatus extends out of his sleeve and covers his arm.
HOMESCHOOL: So you want to play, Cello Boy?
Homeschool starts firing small, brightly colored projectiles from his gun arm. Xyzzka blocks each one with his cello, grunting and laughing at his foe.
HOMESCHOOL: Rah! Why won’t you die?!?
He continues firing. No luck. Xyzzyka blocks and dodges each colorful projectile, which look just like little steel gumballs. Xyzzyka backs up and steps on top of the fallen body of The Chessman.
CHESSMAN: Oof!
XYZZYKA: Graa?
He looks down at The Chessman.
CHESSMAN: Well, for a hairy, large-jawed Neanderthal, you certainly are well trained in the defensive tactics of armed combat.
XYZZYKA: Graa?
While Xyzzyka stares down at The Chessman, trying to comprehend such confusing, fancy, polysyllabic words, Homeschool Winner takes action! Using this moment of distraction to gain the upper hand, he leaps high into the air, spinning and twirling and firing the brightly colored gumball bullets.
Xyzzyka looks up.
XYZZYKA: Graa?
HOMESCHOOL: YAAAAAAAAAWWW!!!
Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer, noted caveowman and experienced time cavewoman, is struck dead by a bright blue gumball between the eyes. She falls over dead onto The Chessman.
CHESSMAN: Gah!
Homeschool Winner lands, dusts himself off, and puts away his gun.
HOMESCHOOL: Ah, nothing like the ol’ Gumball Gun XQ-Flip. Never fails to serve!
CHESSMAN: That was some move.
HOMESCHOOL: Thank you, befallen Chessman!
CHESSMAN: You’re very welcome. Now Mr. Winner?
HOMESCHOOL: Yes?
CHESSMAN: Do you think you could help pull this dead caveman off of me?
PRESENT DAY
CHRIS: And so, galactic space hero Homeschool Winner and Victorian Englishman Victor Chesterfield, aka. “The Chessman”, call it a day, having survived the deadly game of cat and mouse that is Ready, Aim, Fire. The time machine’s were sent down to Earth for a modest burial. It left it’s entire savings to its children: a sewing machine and a tin can. It will be missed. The End.
Ianthegecko walks back out.
IAN: See Chris? Was that so hard? Was it so hard to write a simple round of RAF?
CHRIS: Ye…
IAN: You know, I think we’ve learned something today. Procrastination only leads to trouble. Or in your case, chains.
CHRIS: Right. And Mr. Thegecko?
IAN: Yes?
CHRIS: Do you think you could cut me down now?
Ianthegecko laughs.
IAN: Oh Chris….
The lights fade out. Silence.
CHRIS: No seriously, Ian…Ian?
RESULTS:
Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest targets The Chessman with shooting him.
The Chessman targets himself with shooting him.
Choc-o-Lardiac Arrest dies.
Bugsprite10 targets The Chessman with shooting him.
The Chessman targets himself with shooting him.
Bugsprite10 dies.
Homeschool Winner targets Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer with Gumball Gun XQ-Flip.
Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer dies.
Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer targets Bugsprite10 with CELLO’d!
Bugsprite10 dies (again).
Alive:
IantheGecko
Mr.KISS
Homeschool Winner
Xyzzyka Gruefrotzer
Smorky
The Chessman
PMs are due in 2 weeks. Typed, but not double-spaced.
_________________ 
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