Homestar Runner Wiki Forum

While I'm dealing with my other forum game (Family Feud), I thought it would be a good idea to make another. This one thankfully doesn't require signups. Anydangway, these are the rules:

The game is kinda based on the Letters From a Nut book series from Ted L. Nancy, who is probably Jerry Seinfeld. Basically, one person writes a rather insane letter to a company (fictional, unfortunately). Then the next person writes a rather stuffy, formal, serious response from said company. Not that the game has a point, but it should be kinda fun to read. Maybe I'll publish it as a Word document and make it available for download somehow in the end, after about one hundred posts. Then we keep on going. Anyway, here is an example:

Hurtell Walrus Protectors
123 Fake St.
Anytown, OH

Dear Hurtell Walrus Protectors,

My name is John T. Frappeshoewater and I am in quite a predicament. You see, I own a walrus. (Freddy) Freddy is kind and affectionate, and even takes belly rubs (No small children, please) for only 50 cents. He also loves the flavor of pennies, but he cannot digest dimes. Anyway, I am afraid that he will be stolen. I know of the Haters of Pet Walruses Belonging to People With Ridiculously Long Surames Foundation (HPWBPWRLSF), and I know of their plans.

HPWBPWRLSF and their leader Fitzgerald Red are out to get my walrus. They watch every night, silently waiting for an opportunity so that they can... GRAB HIM!! Do you sell napkin rings? Their plans are so eeevvviil that the mere pondering of their evilinosity leads one to say, "I love Barney and all his dinosaur freinds!!!" So, this is why I want your walrus protector. Please respond promptly for information on how I can get it. I am scared. They want my walrus. Hey, is Robbo still there? My walrus will only be safe with your walrus protector. Please respond!

Sincerely,
John T. Frappeshoewater

And the reply might be:

HURTELL SPORTS EQUIPMENT est. 2000

John T. Frappeshoewater
555 Generic Area Code Drive
Boberton, IL

Dear Sir,

It is unfortunate that we do not sell, nor have we ever sold, walrus protectors. I have asked everybody on the staff (none of which were named Robbo) about said issue, and it is clear that there is no such thing as a walrus protector. However, we are, due to your letter, developing one currently. After numerous surveys, it is clear that the walrus protector would fill a gaping hole in the market for walrus owners. Thank you for your letter, which I've been told was appreciated.

With wishings of good luck hiding from HPBPWELSF,
Elridge Newfield
PR Coordinator, Hurtell Sports Equipment

Let the thingy commence!!

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Mony Money Lending
3334 Not a Real Dr.
Totalyboguston, MI

Dear Mr Bob Newart,
I require one millon dollers, by 3:45 Tuesday, Augest 28. Please put it in an unmarked duffle bag, and drop it into the fountain by the statue of Monty Montgomry. Come alone. But if you want bring a radio. If you do not comply you will be found. And you do not want that. Do not call the police. The FBI are ok. You cannot trace me. You cannot find me.

-Jhon C. Mon
1324 crook street

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(THE ABOVE USER HAS BEEN BANNED)

MONY MONEY LENDING

Jhon C. Mon
1324 Crook St.
Tallahassee, MN

Dear Sir,

We have traced you and found you. You should be getting this letter in jail. Although you are a crook, have a good day. Thank you for writing us.

Sincerely,
Eleanor P. Slywinsfield

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Toffee Toof Factory
999 Whargle Lane
Yorkes

Dear Mr Rumpkiss
My teeth were damaged by your toffees. I demand you pay me all your money for compensation and crap.

You suck
R. Toothel

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MikeyJC
"The JC means Juber Cool!

Dear R. Toothel,

Without a analysis in writing from a professional Doctor of Toothology, signed by a Doctor of Toffee and Toffee-Related Injuries, I am afraid we can do no such thing.

With regards to your second complaint ("you suck"), may I suggest that, given your tooth condition, it would be advisable for you to be doing the sucking.

Yours faithfully,

Karry Mell
Manager and Director of "Toffee Toof" Factory, Yorkes

Caffeinne Casino
3296 High Avenue
Latenighters

Dear Bob Jones

Your slot machines are rigged. I can never seem to win. Are they supposed to be like that? If so, you are a cheapy poo chop. If not, you must be lying.

Ungracefully yours
I.M. Asorloser

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MikeyJC
"The JC means Juber Cool!

From Bob Jones to I.M. Asorloser:

Our technical casino staff will fix the problem right away. Your problems will be solved once all of said staff will win over a million dollars on their first try unrigging the "rigged slots", so you say.

Bob Jones
CEO of the Caffeinne Casino

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Satan
666 Devil Lane
Evil, Enormity

ZOMG my grandma died because of you. i demand you give me a refund lolzorz.
p.o.'d
a dude

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SATANCO INDUSTRIES
P.O. Box 666, Evilland, Seventh Level

Dear Correspondent,

We are glad to recieve your fan mail. As Satan, our CEO, has always said, "The more dead grandmas, the more revenue!" That is our slogan, and we are very proud to live up to it. Would you like to receive the Satan Fans Newsletter, with all the news that's fit to repent? Or perhaps a t-shirt autographed by Satan himself? If so, email us at satanfanclub@hell.com for information.

We very much enjoy your correspondence; however, in the future, it is preferred that you either email us at satancoindustries@hell.com or send us "snail mail" at the above address.

With appreciation,
Bill Klompp
Fan Club CEO

[DISCLAIMER: I'm not a Satanist, I'm an Atheist. And you are allowed to use the word "hell" when referring to the place (as in the email address), so there.]

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