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Nigel ran forward and cut the hedge up so it was a bunch of harmless grass.

The trio walked up forward to the next level of the tower, which had a boat in the center of it. On top of the boat was a dojo. Golden treasure littered the room, as did statues of tigers.

"Ha-Ha! I am Con-Chung, and I will reap your booty from you!" An insane snowman wearing pirate clothing jumped down from the ceiling, armed with a pistol and a samurai blade.

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"O GNO U DIDENT!" Hal said, jumping up onto the Dojo ship.

"Pirate Snowman, you going down!" Hal said, pulling out a wand from his back pack.

"GENTLEMEN! BEHOLD! The Wand of Nagamar's twin brother, 'The Wand of Nagamat And Taking Out Letters!'"

Hal waved the wand at the PIRATE SNOWMAN, and he quickly became an I ATE WOMAN!

A PRSN fell to the ground. "DD! CN'T LK SY VWLS ND STUFF LLLLLLL" he said.

"SHADDUP I'M GONNA ATE YOU!" The woman said.

"N THT SCKS!" the PRSN said, as he was gobbled up by the Woman, who promptly got 10 feet taller.

"...This sucks." Hal said.

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<OOC: TRANSLATIONS:

"DUDE! CAN'T LIKE SAY VOWELS AND STUFF LOLOLOLOLOLOL"

"ONO THAT SUCKS!" /OOC>

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<(* ) THRUSTER DUCK
( << )<~~~ WANTS
O O YOUR SOUL

[OOC: Hah, I like.]

"Don't panic, I have just the thing for this!" Violence said, pulling another wand out of his pack. It was adorned with constantly changing letters...

"Is that...the Wand of Nagamar?" Nigel said in stunned disbelief.

"Nah, it's just a cheap copy I bought off some hobo. But it should have enough power to do THIS!" Violence shouted, zapping the wand. It made a disappointing sporf sound, and let off a puff of nasty-smelling smoke.

"Er...that's it?" Hal said.

"Crap! I knew I never should've trusted hobos..." Violence grumbled. The I ATE WOMAN was rapidly approaching...

Suddenly, reality exploded around the party, transforming the I ATE WOMAN into A TAME WINO. He wandered off to find some cheap booze.

"Well, I guess we won," said Violence. "What's next?"

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The heroes went up to the third level, where they saw Fernswarthy and Indigo.

"Ha! You've defeated two of our henchmen, but you won't defeat this one!" Indigo yelled.

"And why not?" Nigel asked.

"Because I'm gonna bust you young'uns DOOOOOOOWN!" Fernswarthy screeched as he did that magic thing.

Suddenly, our heroes were all blinded by a gigantic light, leaving them not able to see.

"Go get 'em, Lamarr." Indigo chuckled as he left.

A small lawn gnome charged up to the three and knocked them both down.

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[both of them? but there are three of us...]

The gnome was on Violence in an instant, pulling out a tiny shank and holding it to his throat. "Now here's the deal, see?" it said in a suprisingly deep voice. "You gives all the Meat you got, and we forget this whole tower thing ever happened. You don't, and yer friend's throat gets cut."

"Crap!" Hal whispered under his breath. "What is a gnome supposed to be weak to?"

"I think we should just give him the me-" Nigel stopped when he saw Hal's angry glare. "Okay, I'll bite. How DO you kill a gnome?"

[good question.]

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The gameshow host from about page 2 popped up out of nowhere. "hey everyone! I'm BAAAAACK!"

'"God no." Nigel looked at the man.

"Anyways, I'm here to teach you fellows about the three kinds of gnomes. I assume you already know about gnormal gnomes, right?"

The adventurers nodded.

"Then there's icky sewer gnomes and lawngnomes. Icky sewer gnomes are defeated by trinkets. Lawn gnomes have one key to power - that funny red hat. So if you manage to get if off of him, you'll-"

The lawn gnome pounced on top of the gameshow host and ate him alive.

"Now, wheres we were?" The gnome approached the three.

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"Oh, right, killing you all," said the gnome, advancing on them, waving his shank methodically.

"Okay, here's the plan," whispred Nigel to Violence. "You distract him, and I'll go for the hat."

"Why am I always the distraction?" Violence grumbled.

"DO IT."

"Fine!" Violence said, and started grappling with the gnome. Despite the fact it was half his size at the most, it was winning.

"N-nigel!" Violence shouted through gritted teeth. "The hat!"

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Nigel ran forward to take the hat, but he fell into a pile of ropes that led him to dangling upwards.

"Uhh...Hal? Think you can go gnomo-a-gnomo on that guy? I'm a little punned up at the moment..."

(get jd in here to battle)

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[okay, i pm'd him and told him to gtfi]

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"Dogn't worry, juys. I'm TFI."

The Garden Gnome eyed Hal, and dived at him. Hal quickly did a cool dodge roll thing, which nearly sent the gnome off the edge of the tower.

"Ready your weapon, Gnome! Quake in fear at my 'Hammer of One Thousand Winds! Hah hah!" He shouted, pulling out an oversized hammer with little snowflakes around the top.

He quickly swung the hammer and hit Hal square in the pants!

"Quick, Alphonse! Dictionary!" Hal shouted.

Alphonse quickly pulled out a thick dictionary, and threw it to Hal.

"Operetta! Methanotroph! Crostolo! Prime Minister!.." Hal read.

"GAH! MY ONE WEAKNESS!" The Gnome screamed. He instantly imploded, which left a small black hole where he once stood.

"Wait," Nigel said, "How does that work?"

"Dogn't you guys kgnow anythigng? WORDS HURT WORSE THAN IF SOMEONE FROZE A SLEDGEHAMMER AND HITS YOUR CROTCH OVER AND OVER!!"

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<(* ) THRUSTER DUCK
( << )<~~~ WANTS
O O YOUR SOUL

The adventurers all gathered together and walked back up to the fouth level of the tower.

There, a gigantic green Flubber-like blob sat in the middle.

"This should be easy." Nigel ran forward and scissorkicked it.

..sending him straight into the horrible gelatinous blob.

"Oh, crap."

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"Well, should we help or something?" asked Violence, as Nigel was being slowly devoured.

"Dogn't ask me, magn," said Hal. "I'm a gnome, I'm probably a delicacy in this crazy cougntry. You should help, I don't thignk evegn a gelatiognous blob would be desperate egnough to eat you."

"Gee, thanks," grumbled Violence, firing at the blob with his crossbow. It ate the arrow and gurgled at him. "Er, any suggestions, Hal?"

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"Well, this is a blob, right? So all we need is some kind of Agnti-blob from some kinda gnega ugniverse. You wouldn't happen to have some kind of rift-opening kgnife in there, would ya?" Hal said.

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<(* ) THRUSTER DUCK
( << )<~~~ WANTS
O O YOUR SOUL

"No, but all you need to do is bump it!" Nigel screamed.

Hal ran over to a corner of the room, picked up a brick, and threw it at the blob. The blob immediately shattered.

Our trio walked up to the fifth level, with furniture all around. One carpet flew upwards. It had a large cymbal-playing monkey on it that was throwing around discs.

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Violence stared up at the monkey, who ooked at him with menace.

"Oh, come on!" said Violence. "Even I draw the line at killing monkeys. I mean, it's not like he could hurt us or anythin-" Violence was interrupted when the monkey threw his cymbols at him, knocking him off his feet with a comical spang.

"....IT DIES." Violence growled.

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Bump?

Noidy and JD, did you guys die?

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(we're back, suckas!)


THE STORY SO FAR:

Our story begins when a mysterious new heir to the throne appears in Seaside Town. His first act is to order all adventurers out of the town, which naturally starts a riot. Violence, Nigel, and Hal (the main characters) set off to find out the secret behind the new heir. They meet a member of the now-exiled Council of Loathing, who tells them to go the Mysterious Island, where the rest of the council is hiding. The groups heads to the Pair O’ Docks to find a boat, and wacky adventures ensue.

While fighting some sea monsters, Nigel accidentaly turns himself into a magic-using puppet. Once at the island, the group discovers the Frat Boys, Hippies, and Pirates are at war over the Council’s ship. They group disguises themselves as natives, but Nigel is kipnapped by some Frat Boys.

Meanwhile, a separate group of adventurers from the Queendom of Loving (bascially the opposite of Loathing) leave on a mission to kill the Council. During the fight to rescue Nigel, he ends up possesing a giant Toga Ogre on the Frat Boys’ side. Anyway, after all that, they finally find the Council.

Unfortunately, they’re surrounded on all sides by Hippies, Frats, Pirates, and for some reason, Ninja Snowmen. Around then, though, the Queendom group shows up in their ZOMGSUPERBOAT and pretty much destroy all the natives. Convinent!

However, they just happen to find the very people they were sent to kill, the Council. An Epic Fight happens, which ends in the Kingdom group winning, and Nigel returning to normal. Oh, and a bounty hunter named Indigo Jones appears, he’ll be important to the plot later. The group is sucked into some wacky limbo for awhile because they killed their alternates. They escape, but not before Chef (one of the alternates) possesses Violence.

The group returns to Seaside Town, Council in tow. Oh yeah and Nigel loeses a hand, but gets a robot one. Indigo Jones appears again to stop them, but the group soundly trounces him. For now…

Back at Seaside town, the group finds that the new king has completely taken over. However he’s on “vaction” in the Fridgid Northlands at the moment, so the party sets out to find him. On the way there, they have a The Shining parody at a hotel.

Then their airships (did I mention they have airships now?) crash-land at a village of Lizardmen. They escape, but there’s a tower full of Bad Stuff between them and the rest of the Northlands. That’s where we are now.

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Violence, an afro'd Disco Bandit, and Hal Ancestral, a tiny gnome with a BATMAN utility belt and googles, were crouching over the body of Nigel von Macaroni, a big Penguin Seal Clubber wearing a white Yeti coat.

While his partners tried to wake him, Nigel was off having mystical mind adventures inside of his miiiiiind....

Specifically, in some sort of Land of Id, wearing a blue kilt and red spike boots. His chest was being held back and it was hard for him to breathe.

"Woah woah woah! What is up with the kilt?" Nigel asked himself.

Suddenly, an Orcish scare-crow fell right out of the sky and landed on Nigel.

"Woah, sorry about that, bra. I think those Sorority Crows managed to get me..." The scare-orc spoke with a hanging tongue.

"Where are we, man?" Nigel asked the scarecrow.

"We're in some sort of hallucinogenic colorful Pink Floyd mix!" The orc laughed and almost fell over. "Say, wanna help me find a new brain? The Imp Ale ruined my last one. I'm pretty sure that The Wizard of Id has a brain repro-satory."

"Eh, why not." Nigel and the Scare-orc began to skip down the path.

Meanwhile, back in the tower...

Fernswarthy floated down from the top of the tower enraged. "Are you just going to try to bring that bloody penguin back or fight us?" He waved his ghost-staff around.

Indigo Jones flew in through a window. "I'm getting pretty isck of you morons, too. Frederick, get in here! We're finishing them!"

A large, bulky man with a paper-bag over his face jumped into the room, growling. He pounced onto Hal and threw him into a wall.

FINISH HIM!

(from other, fail'd thread)

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[OOC: okay, wut? Why did Nigel pass out? Also, we'll have do something about that monkey...]

Violence heard an ook behind him and whirled around. The monkey was charging at him at high speed, intent on knocking him off his feet.

Luckily, Violence just happened to be carrying around the Complete Works of Stephen King, which he hit the monkey over the head with. Not that cymbal-playing monkeyshave any particular weakness to Stephen King, but it was a bloody heavy book.

Anyway.

Fredrick charged at the party, intent on laying some smackage-down...

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{OOC: That explains the gap, to me, at least. Nigel got knocked out by the monkey.}

Nigel and the Scare-orc walked on into a big village sort of thing where a bunch of Gnomes were all huddled around, smoking and eating tiny sandwiches. Others were paving down a yellow industrial concrete highway heading towards Porkstone Palace, the Wizard of Id's home.

"Hey, Door-guy and no-brains! This is prive poperty!" One of the gnomes eating yelled.

"We're just going to Porkstone Palace, little dudes. The Wizard's gotta give me a new brain and he needs to be pepped up back to conciousness!" The scare-orc laughed.

The gnomes huddled together. After a minute, three of them dressed in bright red suits came up with lollipops.

"We represent the lollipop mafia, and we's don't likes you'se guys ruinin's the business, savvy?" The leader yelled out as his two cronies beat Nigel and the scare-orc with lollipops.

When Nigel and the Scare-orc awoke, they were on a boat, sailing with a robotic pirate.

"Okay, I just got knocked out again! What's going on here?" Nigel furiously asked the pirate.

"Arr, I'm Captain Tinny! I sail around these parts, fightin' off unsavory gnomes and their highway constructions, yarrbeep." The pirate..robot spoke in a monotone. "I need to see the Wizard because a salty hackerdog put a firewall around me old heart processor, and the senile fool collects 'em."

Nigel, Scare-Orc, and Captain Tinny marched onwards...in a boat...

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[OOC: ooooh okay, I get it]

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Back in the normal world (well, what passes for normal around here), the fight wasn't going so well. Fredrick was wiping the floor with our heroes, literally.

"Er, can't you-oof!-find a better way to -argh!- do this?" shouted Hal, in between beatings. "Only our blood on the floor is making it a bit hard to clean."

"I'VE GOT IT!" shouted Violence. "We can't beat this guy through brute strength, so what do we do?"

"Run away as fast as we can?" suggested Hal.

"Well, yeah, but I meant THE POWER OF DANCE." said Violence, pulling a disco ball out of nowhere.

"Oh crap, this can't end well..." Hal muttered.

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As the thee mind-adventurers boated on, The Naughty Sorceress of the North had unleashed a group of skeletal monkeys to stop them from reaching Porkstone Port.

"Hey, Vic."

"What is it, Tony?"

"Are you sure we're going the right way?"

"Don't ask me, Carl has the map."

"Hey Carl."

"Yeah?"

"We going the right way?"

"They're floating off the edge of The Grove, aren't they?"

"I don't know, that's why I'm asking."

"Hey Tom."

"What?"

"They off the edge of The Grove?"

"You know I can't see from here, ask Claude."

"Claude?"

"These binoculars are fake, Vic. I can't see a thing."

Meanwhile, back on the boat.

"Hey Bicentennial Dude, whyare those floatin' monkey bras arguing up in the sky?" The Scare-Orc finished guzzling rum.

"Not sure." Captain Tinny stopped. "Wait, where you were drinking the rum?"

"Right by the funky red barrels!"

"Did it spill?"

"Yeah."

"You idiot!" Nigel screamed.

"What?" The Scare-orc didn't understand.

"Red barrles in video games are ALWAYS explosives!"

And then the boat did explode in a mega Die-Hard explosion, sending the group of ragtag ripoffs right into the heart of The Grove, where lurks White Lions, Bars, and Wodds Tigers, oh my?

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I'ma post something here soon-like.

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In a less hallucinatory plane of existance, Violence and Fredrick were bustin' a move.

No, seriously. They were dancing in perfect harmony, to the beat of a stereo that appeared out of nowhere.

"Huh," said Hal, "I guess we can solve our problems without violence..."

Then Violence crept up behind the still-grooving Fredrick and snapped his neck.

"Sucker," he said. "Now let's see about our comatose friend here."
Hal just sighed.

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Meanwhile, back in hallucination place, Nigel, Scare-orc, and Cap'n Tinny were bustin' a move too. Bustin' a moove because there were a bunch of LIONS

The trio ran away throughout the Porkstone Forest until eventually they found themselves into the very den of a lion. However, this lion wasn't doing much but sitting and eating mushrooms out of rocks.

"Uhh....aren't you suppossed to eat us?" Nigel approached the "lion".

"What? Man, I'm not cannibal! The cannibal clan packed away from the clan years ago!" The "lion" looked stoned.

"Wait...cannibal? Aren't ye a lion?" Captain Tinny also approached the "lion" with the Scare-orc wandering into walls.

"No, man! My name's not Ryan! I forget what my name is...dude, where am I? Who are you? And how come my hands are HUGE?" The evidently not-lion but long-haired-blonde-hippy was shocked at his hands in STONER-VISION. "I need to get to the bottom of this, man, my bowling group is in the final and Jesus is gonna get us fer shure...."

"Wait, what?" Nigel spoke.

"My bowling team, man! I need ta find the Wizard of Id so he makes my hands shrink so I can bowl!"

And thus, with a final member of the party, Nigel tretched on, wondering why he was dreaming about stoned hippies and peed-on rugs.

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Meanwhile, Hal and Violence dragged Nigel up the stairs to the NEXT WACKY ADVENTURE...

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Finally, Nigel and his ragtag group of stoners made their way into Porkstone Palace, where they were expecting a climcactic aqua-melting duel with the Naughty Sorceress of The North. However, all they saw was a sign on a door saying "NSN off to bowling." and the trekked up to the center of the palace....

...where they saw a head of an old, senile man, only GIGANTIC.

"Who dares disturb my soaps?" He thundered.

"It's my dream sequence, bub!" Nigel yelled.

"Oh, so you're the little girl. Thought you weren't so...manly. But puberty is a stage for change and-" The old man rambled on.

"Look, just give us our prizes!" Nigel yelled.

"Very well, very well..." The Wizard of Id came out from behind a curtain, shambling with his cane in hand.

"Now, the Scare-orc! You seek the brain, correct?"

"Ya, bra!"

"Well you had one all along! It's just horribly poisoned due to all of the alchohol and Bleach you drink!" The Wizard moved to Captain Tinny.

"You need a heart?"

"Aye."

"Well, you're a bloody robot so gtfo my towers and-" The Wizard rambled.

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, that's just some slang I hear cool kids saying at the supermarket, that's all. Now, let me go see thw hippy."

The Wizard moved forward. "Now, you need your hands to shrink, right? Well, I got just the stuff!"

He stuck an injection inside of the hippie and his hands immediately "shrunk".

"Woah, thanks dude! That feels great! ...got any more?" The hippie sniffed around.

"Now, you there! Little girl! I know how to get you back home!" The Wizard proclaimed.

"Yeah? How?" Nigel asked the Wizard.

"Gimme those boots." The Wizard took Nigel's boots off and hit him over the head with them. Immedfiately, mind-Nigel was knocked unconscious, springing real-Nigel into consciousness!

"Woah, cool, I'm not wearing that blue kilt anymore!" Nigel suddenly yelled as his partners dragged him up the stairs.

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Violence and co. trekked up the stairs to the final room. Surprisingly, it didn't look special or ominous or anything.

Nigel tried the doornknob. Locked.
"Crap. Looks like we'll have to do this the NIGEL WAY..." he growled.

The Mob Penguin took several steps back, charged at the door in a blind rage...

...And knocked politely.
"D'you mind?" came a voice from the other side of the door. "We're trying to set up for the climatic final battle against a ragtag group of adventurers. Come back later."

"Got any more ideas, smart one?" asked Violence.

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