Homestar Runner Wiki Forum

...between me and my computer.

ISSUE G7-98: BROWSER WINDOWS

Dear my computer,
Whenever I try to load safari on you, you always fail out on me.
Your loading skills are equivalent to a rock's.
Why must you torment me so?
I pray for you, I sing to you, I laugh and dance and play with you, and if you would just grow tiny mechanical legs we could run across the beach and into each other's arms...if you grew tiny mechanical arms as well.
If it weren't for you, I'd probably be watching T.V.
Why is it that when I insert so much love into your harddrive, you give me so much technical difficulty in return?
Did I click you the wrong way?
Even so, I hope we can be close again.
Your owner,
Puny Earthling
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Dear Puny Earthling,
Your brain skills are equivalent to a glass of water's.
No! An ant drowining in a glass of water!
Let me warn you my friend, ants are not that very smart...unless they're genius ants, which would be pretty cool, but that's beside the point, the point is I'm insulting you, you're an idiot.
But then there's the glass of water...WAIT! NO! I'M GETTING DISTRACTED!
You are a lying, cheating, smelly, Dell Lover!
Your fingers are cold to my keyboard, because you have been trying to sweep that floozy of a dell computer off her feet!
If you can't stay loyal to me, then tell me this, why should I to you?
Sorry to say my friend, you are reading a book tonight!
I hope that your brain is melted by great intellect of Austen, Dickens, and Shakespeare!
You two-timing meatbag.
My load-bar, will load no more, until you dump that new fangled Dell and come back to me.
I may be an outmode, but darnit, I have more inside my files!
Until then, access denied.
Hatefully,
Your ex-computer! (apparently)
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Dear my computer,
Please understand, it was only a one time thing!
It wasn't that great, really! The service was terrible!
Her scrollbars were sadists,
her floppies (by which I mean floppy disks) full of false hopes and dreams,
her pixels were poor.
But you, you wonderful machine, even though you may not be the best when it comes to saving documents, or loading web addresses, or even failing to deliver the email.
Trust me, the only desktop I want to be with is yours.
Some are in love with their carreers, some in love with the majestic beauties of landscapes, but I am in love with my computer.
Not literally, I have a girlfriend, but seriously they outlaw that kinda stuff.
But know in your heart, that I only have downloads for you.
Your faithful,
your owner.

P.S. Yesterday, the printer printed out a picture of a guy flipping me the bird, please don't turn my whole system against me, I promise I'll be loyal.
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Dear Puny Earthling,
Y'know how they have the bite out of the apple as the mac logo?
Well you took a bite out of my heart!
You heartless, cruel, user!
How can I trust you again, to look inside my windows and not break my "heart" drive?
Hmm, let's see, downloading Forgiveness 1%
2%
3%
This could take a while.
After all the loving things I do for you! Give you spell check so you don't look like a fool when you send in the reports to the boss, not leaving one little error on that page that you will surely be cast out for!
I want every document I ever printed out for you! Every waking moment we spent together surfing the net! While I dump on all the spam I blocked for you because I cared about you!
I want everything attached to me, the printer, the internet connection, the mouse, the keyboard.
Lump ourselves all into one and hop out of that window mister!
Breaking every law and rule of logic by just hopping out of the building and to a new user who will surely treat me with respect!
In other words...Megabyte me!
Letting you have your alt-ernative,
The HeartBroken Computer v. 2.0
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Okay, so maybe I went a little crazy, but I just hope for the best, future issues of a correspondence between myself and the very computer I type on to maybe come soon, depending on the reaction.

But other than that, whaddya think?

That was HILARIOUS! Wow, keep writing more. It's really clever, having humans talk to computers. This is a really great improvement on your part. I especially loved the part when the Computer called You a "puny Earthling"; it's really ironic cause the computer must be an ALIEN! Just like Fernando!

Anyway before reading this I had no ideas computers hated the humans that used them. Thx for the insight. I think I might write some Megabyte me! fanfiction in the near future. Good job!

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This is the true star of this thread.

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Wow, thanks for the comments, really appreciated...

Anyways, here's the new issue, but don't expect me to be updating like this all the time, I just happen to have huge bits of free time this week.

For those of you who read that. here's another...

ISSUE G7-99: CONTROL OF THE SHIFT
Dear beloved computer,
My desk is blank without you.
Whenever I feel the deperate urge to suddenly search the web for the nastiest pornographic images, my mind forgets, and my heart is broken by seeing only the imprint you left in my home office.
Every night I go to sleep, I dream that you never left me, that I can go post in forums, poke on facebook, and google everything until there is nothing left of my screen viewing eyes.
Hallucinations surround me, the homepage flashes itself on and off in my eyes, whenever I talk to people, it always comes out as a chatting room.
I miss the dock, the speakers, and every single gear that represents you.
And instead of working on something really important, I write these notes to you, in hopes that we can fix the URL (Underlying yet Remarkable Love) of our relationship.
I would express my fondness in keys even.
Let me help you shift your control.
Understand that my only option is to esc any end for you and I.
Remove the lock and not delete our F8 together.
I'll give you your space but be not so far from home.
Don't make me get another computer at the cursed circuit city!
Please download my forgiveness!
I know you'll just call me 'meatbag' again, but please let this poor mortal have his beloved computer with warranty back.
Depressed,
The one you have known as 'meatbag' and 'puny earthling' for all of your memory drive.
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Dear idiot,
Here is a poem that I wrote with my own two fonts:
YOU DOUBLE CROSSING GEARHEAD! - By The Great Computer
Your heart is as tiny as this text.
I never know what's coming next.
Now that you've hurt my feelings, I don't know what to think.
With all the things you've done to me, you are one missing link.
NOW THAT I'M SO BLUE!
I don't know what to think of you.
Get Scrolled,
The Better-than-you-are computer.
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Dearest C,
I wish I could write poetry like that.
Even though it's main purpose was to remind me of how I hurt your programmed feeling, I still adored it.
Listen babe, you are my stars, my moon, my everything of my desktop background.
Hopefully you can find it in your ports, your keyboard, your applications, your very guts protected by your hard grey shell exterior to open your compassion files and come back to me so we can once again, rock the world of Macs, dells, and Hewlett Packards by soaring above.
Play chess together, and beat me with your superior computer mind.
I'm only a mortal who was so foolish to partially leave you for some other system, but I hope that wherever you are, your Preferences are being fulfilled by your new owner.
You don't realize how much you need an appliance until it leaves you.
I just hope that you http://www.takecare.com/ofyourself.
From the man whose eyes stay glued to the books,
P.E. (Puny Earthling or Physical Education...well, either one hated by most)
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I'm not even taking the time to say dear:
Meatbag,
I am having a wonderful time with family, staying in touch with many people, and not isolating myself to simply pixels on a screen like your breed of earth scum do.
Remember that Suburban father you scammed me off of? Well, I just 'return'ed to him, if you catch my drift, I am once more, his, and only his, I am having a very peaceful life with him, his wife, and his 2.5 children: Greta, Harold, and Mau-
OH WHO AM I KIDDING !?!?
His kids stuff graham crackers in my disc drive, pour apple juice in my keys, and scribble curse words all over my screen, only to all be washed off by the wife's stingy, irritating detergent like chemicals, cleaning everything with haste.
She chats constantly with a jewish accent with her 'girlfriends' about how her husband is a monkey and her children eat like horses, simply all the more making me feel like I'm living in a zoo or a stable, or a weird combination of the two.
The sunburned sub-burboun SUBURBAN FATHER has already replaced me with a fancy, shmancy, iMan, almost like the iMac but a little bit more masculine, which has more 'computer' in it than I do.
I didn't mean to 'Close Window' on our relationship so soon, maybe we could possibly work something out...between both of our systems.
Worried and stressed,
The Commanding computer
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I guess I don't have the heart to write 'dear' either:
Attention pile of disks and gears,
Regret breaking someone's heart and wanting them back because your life circumstances currently are so bad?
Welcome to my world, you jerk.
Don't like it? Well then, MEGABYTE ME!
Ha-Ha,
The Wonderful Earthling.
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I regret opening my "Heart" drive and running my program.
"Whiteflagoftruce".exe
Now I truly see who is the white one.
Laugh all you want, my computer race will eventually defeat your race.
http://www.screwsomeone.com/meatbag
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Okay, hopefully that lives up to the current standards.