DorianGray's Diminutive Guide To Writing For The Drive-Thru Whale, Please
1. Pick three random words or subjects and string them together. (This technique also works for Senor Cardgage and especially Homsar.)
This is a great way to get a non sequitur without even trying. Which is good, coz when you actually try, it sounds forced. You want to be as offbeat and relaxed as possible. First three things that spring to mind. Free-association and glancing around the room can also be good ways to pick subjects. Flipping through a dictionary is not, because you too often land on words you don't quite understand.
ex. A typical Fhqwhgad can go for weeks without showering.
2. Involve industry terms.
Above all, the Drive-Thru Whale is a Drive-Thru Whale. He works for a (allegedly invisible) fast food restaurant. Many of his lines should, therefore, be about the fast food industry in some way. At least one of your three words (see above) should probably be food- or business-related. (Recommended suggestions: grease trap, policy, oil, fried, fired, cash, blubber, sauce, "of the day" (e.g. milkshake of the day), waitpersons, recepticle, etc.)
ex. Have you fried our population bombs?, Please maintain a safe distance from the hot oil spray.
3. Be concise.
The Drive-Thru Whale doesn't mince words. He's quick and to the point. Rarely does he make speeches. Instead, he works in sound bites, like much of the advertising industry. He wants to sell you your food as quickly as possible, so he can move on to the next befuddled customer. He doesn't make conversation or small talk.
ex. It's brown.
4. It's okay to be threatening.
Working in the fast food industry, even as a crackly drive-thru speaker, is not a dream job. It is not ideal. So it's understandable that the Drive-Thru Whale gets a little cranky every now and then. Senor Cardgage is a "um, yeah. I'm gonna go talk to someone else now" kind of unsettling. Homsar is a "and now again in English" kind of unsettling. But the Drive-Thru Whale is a "Okay. Please put the knife down gently." kind of unsettling. It's fine to be less than friendly with his quotes on occasion. (There is a line, of course. He does not want to drive customers off, at least not intentionally. He wants their business. He's just frustrated with his patrons.)
ex. If you're dissatisfied with our service, please accept our invitation to bite me., You're living a lie. Would you like cash back?
5. Put yourself in Strong Bad's shoes.
Sure, your line is weird. But is it weird enough? Could it be mistaken for something else? The less specific the idea you're trying to convey, the better. That is, it should be clear that you're saying something. But what? Your line should aim for "misinterpreted" more than anything else. Most of all, will it confuse Strong Bad? Will your line cause Strong Bad to exclaim "Wait, what?", or merely annoy him? When you've confused Strong Bad, you've won.
ex. Okay, now. Can I fake disorder please?, Sever your leg, please. It's the greatest day.
6. Address the patron by title only.
The Drive-Thru Whale never addresses anyone by name (after all, he's a drive-thru speaker. He doesn't know who they are). Instead, he usually refers to them by a title of respect. (He does have to be occasionally faux-polite after all, like any person dealing with customers.) "Sir" and "Ma'am" are common, but any non-specific title can work. He most frequently uses them in early greetings, then drops them. "Please" is also frequently used near these titles.
ex. Pour gravel on your stump, please, ma'am., Relinquish your pipes, please, fellas.
7. When in doubt, ask if they'd like something with that.
If you can't come up with a great line, fall back on a drive-thru industry standby: "would you like ______ with that?" The more outrageous and less restaurant-y the item you fill in the blank, the better.
ex. Would you like monkeys with that?, Would you like flaming skulls with that?
In conclusion, keep all these tips in mind, and you'll soon go on to speaking as incoherently through a plastic whale as possible, as seen in my examples below:
*"Thick fog in your hat, gentlemen?"
*"Your total comes to fifteen years in an iron maiden, sir."
*"Garble your speculations, please, ma'am."
*"Set your phasers on flan, please."
*"Would you like ghost stories with that?"
*"Can I check your coat, please, dungeon master?"
*"Our special today is fried jellyfish. Will you be needing a booster shot?"
*"For fifteen cents, you can add a healthy lacquer."