Homestar Runner Wiki Forum

All right. Let me explain.

In case you didn't know, this is Goofus & Gallant. It appears in Highlights Magazine for Children, and is about two kids named (surprise!) Goofus and Gallant. Gallant is the one who's polite, suave, generous, and kind. Goofus is the total jerky.

A typical G&G cartoon goes something like this:



It's a nice thing to teach kids, but definitely in need of some gumption, gum, and gargle. In other words, pizzaz. Our job is to spice it up.

Here's how it works:

1. The first one will come up with something that Gallant does. (Goofus goes first in the cartoons, but that's not a very good way to set up comedy, so here, Gallant goes first.)

2. The second person will post what Goofus does instead, choosing carefully for comedic effect. He will proceed to post another thing Gallant does.

Example:

USER 1:Gallant is careful to always be polite and use correct spelling and grammar when in discussions on the Internet.
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USER 2: Goofus trolls, uses leetspeak, frequents 4chan, and asks girls if they want to "cyber" with him.

Gallant watches Masterpiece Theatre.
---
et cetera

Let's start, shall we?

Gallant makes sure always to eat a healthy breakfast.

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus eats nails for breakfast and gets a tummy ache.

Gallant goes around the Grand Canyon.

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Goofus tries to eat his poptarts without using his hands.

Gallant always wears his raincoat on rainy days!

EDIT: Aw crap, beat me to the punch. xD;

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Goofus always uses Gallant as an umbrella on rainy days.

Gallant volunteers at the nursing home.

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Goofus kicks old people in the shins when they're trying to walk down the street.

Gallant takes out the trash every week.

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus eats trash every week.

Gallant treats his friends to a round of milkshakes.

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Goofus treats his friends to a--oh, right, he's doesn't have friends. He's too much of a jerk.

Gallant loves to learn!

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Goofus loves to learn to make women learn to love...

Gallant only listens to classical music.

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus listens to William Hung.

Gallant hangs out on Colbert Nation.

Goofus hangs out on 4chan. C:

Gallant appreciates a gift with a lot of thought put into it.

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[no, ian's is better]

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus makes macaroni sculptures for everyone...5 minutes before the birthday party starts.

Gallant is a sensibly voting moderate.

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Goofus wants to vote for all democrats, no buts.

Gallant enjoys stylish suits and tuxes.

Goofus likes wearing extra-long t-shirts and shorts around his thighs.

Gallant helps the Boy Scouts park cars on race days.

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get LOST

Goofus almost always wears his favorite "NO FAT CHICKS" T-shirt.

EDIT: Goofus helps the local gang sabotage the cars they didn't bet on on race days.

Gallant always lets someone else take his seat on the bus.

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus is so fat and snobbish, no one can sit next to him.

Gallant likes to paint portraits.

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Goofus is a modern surrealist that lives in a cave in kansas, doesn't let anyone touch him becasue it would ruin the mood, throws paint at his friends, and has not produced one painting.

Gallant knows how to party.

EDIT: forgot gallant!

Goofus REALLY knows how to party.

Gallant never forgets to wear underpants.

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus never forgets to wear underpants on his head.

Gallant always shares his snacks.

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Goofus never shares his snacks, and, as a result, is very fat.

Gallant likes to move it, move it.

Goofus likes big butts and he cannot lie.

Gallant always eats his vegetables.

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Goofus always eats his large cakes.

Gallant does his laundry every week.

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Goofus pees on his dirty laundry every week.

Gallant asks for people to pass him things that are across the table.

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Goofus walks across the table, through the mashed potatoes, and steals what he wants from his granny.

Gallant enjoys roasting marshmallows.

Goofus enjoys setting his friend's mashmallows on fire.

Gallant plays friendly board games.

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Goofus plays Grand Theft Auto games and tries to imitate them.

Gallant always takes care of his pets.

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Goofus shakes his ant farm because the ants are boring.

Gallant never uses foul language.

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So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

Goofus thinks failure is a four letter word.

Gallant saves his money and spends it on what he needs; not what he wants.

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Goofus goes on a shopping spree and his credit card is in two.

Gallant reads a book and watches T.V. rarely.

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If I had posted during the time of COVID, COLA woulda called me worse than the virus.

Goofus burns books and worships his telly.

Gallant is nice to babies.