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 Post subject: Songs I've been writing ("Amazing Curse" REVISED!)
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:58 am 
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Hey people! Long time no see. Just coming for a bit (don't know if I'll be frequenting here or not though) to show you what I have so far of a Christian rock/metal song I started work on yesterday, called "Maverick". It's less of a "let's sing Jesus!" type song. Actually, it's accusing of Christians who think they can pretend they can worship God by some kind of stupid shallow way (like some preacher is pulling out all the Christian cliches out of nowhere and expecting it to make sense, then there's all these people like lifting their hands and going "Amen!"). It's about how someone's got to pull away from that. But then when your typical churchy Christians see them, they act like they turned demon. This song may sound like I'm rejecting God, but it's really just me rejecting that sort of mentality. Tell me what you think of it, give some constructive criticism, and maybe give me some suggestions on how to continue it. Without further to do:

"MAVERICK"

(v1) I'm crazy
That's what they say
I. AM. RENEGADE.
I'd hate to deal with this...same
I see those lies in your happy, happy eyes, eyes

I've seen you kiss the ground (GROUND!)
Just because you heard of a broken record's sound
But then you turned to check and see (ME!)
To make sure everyone's buying into your SCHEME!

(bridge1) (Your fantasy, your scandal)
[singing slowly] Is it all too, too much for you to handle?
I can see right your thin veil
Oh, YOU AIN'T INVISIBLE!

(chorus) The master of the seas can't fit into your puddle
The ruler of the rocks turns your sand castle to rubble
I'd love to see you try to contain the king of everything
With your random, meaningless anything

(v2) You. (YOU!)
You try to open up all the doors
'Cept for the ones in your mind
You. (YOU!)
You say I am your enemy
You say that I am...INSANE
But your leader, the one you say you see
Had a REBEL in his blood, just like me

(bridge 2) (You're still a fraud, but take your revenge)
[singing slowly] Are you really so afraid of something new?
What kind of corruption has overtaken you?
[screaming]Your same old everything DRILLS HOLES IN THEIR HEADS!

(chorus)

The controller of the flame escapes your cell of fire
The creator of the wind can always fly higher
Put him in your box and he escapes your cage
No matter what you gauge
He is not shallow
Go (GO!)
Go and send me to your gallows
[spoken] The one you've always wanted to be, always were meant to be, was the one you've been persecuting all along.


Last edited by Jimmie on Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:22 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:13 am 
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Never been a big fan of Christian rock, it's always seemed so disingenuous to me. For whatever reason, probably because I'm Catholic, I feel like the only real church music should be old traditional hymns like Amazing Grace and such.

No offense though.

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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:14 am 
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Hm, not bad, I like it. The meter seems a little off, though - in some of the rhyming lines, one of them has a lot more syllables, which makes the rhythm a little awkward. But overall, it's pretty good

(also, I think this might be a bit better for arts & crafts. I'll move it a bit later, unless you'd really rather it here)


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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:20 am 
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Jitka, I know what you mean. However, I'm taking some inspiration from Project 86, a Christian metal band known for brilliant lyrics. Besides, wasn't this supposed to be about the lyrics themselves, not the music genre? If you couldn't tell by the title, this is a different kind of Christian song.

And JJM, I've noticed that. However, this is metal, so a lot of it can be screamed at different speeds. This is mostly a speedy, energetic song, meaning those long lines can go by just about as fast as the short ones if the speed changes a lot (which it does). Keep that in mind, dude!

Also, just to let you know, one idea I've had to continue the song. Basically, there'll be a brief instrumental solo, then the tone of the song completely cnanges for a minute: Voices that sound like the vanquished foes in Tenacious D's "The Metal" softly sing randomly thrown together Christian cliches, just like the subject of the song is about, then at the end it picks up, gets back to screaming, and says something along the lines of "Have I used up all the cliches in the book yet?", then maybe a longer solo. How does that sound?


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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 2:28 pm 
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Lyrically, it looks like a pretty good song to me. I sympathize with it--I'm also a Christian who's sick of shallow Christianity.

I've always been of the opinion that the proof is in how well a song weds the lyrics to the music. Ju Ju Master's criticism about inconsistent line length may or may not matter, depending on whether the longer lines still fit within the measures of your musical lines. In order to offer further critique, I'd really have to hear a cut of the song, so if you ever make a digital recording and would like some feedback, just PM me.

Or, y'know, you could post it up here and get feedback from everyone. Whatever floats your boat. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:06 pm 
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Believe me, DCB: I would if I could. But the thing is, I can't sing, really play any instruments (I'm only learning guitar), or even scream metal-style at a decent volume. If I could do all that though, then you can beat I'd go for a recording.


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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:14 pm 
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EDIT'd! Added some a part at the end. The next part will be the one I was talking about with all the Christian cliches and instrumentals.


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 Post subject: Re: Maverick (song I've been writing)
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:28 pm 
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I think I'll actually post two other songs in here that I've been writing recently. I haven't finished either one yet, because I started work on one yesterday, while I honestly just started writing the other one last period (so maybe like 30 minutes or so ago). Anyway, here goes.

The first song is called "Your Loyal Fool", a song about how I feel my life is being treated sometimes. The first verse sets the basic scene that develops as the song goes on, the first bridge is about my ineffective struggles, the second verse is about torture, the second bridge is about how even when I reconnect with God and everything turns around, I end up falling back to the same crap I was in before (and don't worry, I make it clear that it's my fault, not God's), and then the rest...I haven't written yet. But the song will end with the cruel reactions of people watching me go through my life. Musically, the first half of the song has more of a Dragonforce, 80's metal feel to it, but then right where I left off, it will transistion to a more traditional heavy metal style. Here it comes (tell me what kind of picture you get in your head when you read it; I want to see how well I set the scene).

"YOUR LOYAL FOOL"

(v1) Long destructive path
Wide winding road

Heading down this trail of dread
Bound down to this truckbed
Raindrops soaking my forehead
But what can extinguish the dom awaiting me ahead?

(bridge 1) No matter how hard I try to
Rattle these chains
The cagebars never bend
I CAN'T SEE CHANGE

(v2) Everything I long for
Just beyond my reach

I watch as it all pulls away,
Far away from me
My disease, from the beginning,
Has cursed me

(bridge 2) Even when I encounter
The one who breaks these chains
'Tis not long 'til I'm tempted back to these same pains
HOW CAN I CHANGE?
-----------------------------------

That's all I have for that one so far. Next up is the song i just started work on not too long ago: "Amazing Curse". It's a love song telling my version of the story of my crush, who I was actually sitting right next to when I started writing it, hoping she could look over and maybe get something out of it. The song starts out soft like most love songs are, but then it picks up to a more energetic rock sound--not to say I'm planning on filling the song with screaming or anything. Note that I haven't yet put myself in the song, but I come up pretty soon in a different way then most love songs might do. Just think of the Shrek story, minus the stupidity. Tell me if you can piece together what my story of her is based on what I have so far.

"AMAZING CURSE"

(v1) Many centuries in the past
An angel had fallen from heaven fast
She had awaken on the ground, longing to return
Struggled hard through earthly pains
Until a good man found her and took her under his wing

He said
"Don't worry, everything will be all right
I will acquaint you with this world,
And follow your light.
I will protect you every single day
Until the time comes when we go our seperate ways."

There she found refuge
For a time
Until she was left there,
Fighting for her life
It seemed things were back to their old ways
Until a brave knight raced in,
Swept her off her feet, and sped off through the storm

[instrumental where the song picks up and goes into the energetic rock sound, complete with speedy guitar riff]

-------------------------------


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 Post subject: Re: Songs I've been writing
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 5:16 am 
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Keep doing these man. I really like your lyrical style, it sounds like something I would listen to. Also the message in the first one is very true.

I'm not really a metal fan, but I can imagine the lyrics fitting to different types of music.

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 Post subject: Re: Songs I've been writing
PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:59 pm 
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Thanks for the compliment dude. I wrote a bit more of the other two songs too. I'll post them when I can. :)

EDIT: And now I can. w00t! They're still unfinished, but I've definitely made progress, especially with "Your Loyal Fool", which I think is my new favorite of three. Here it comes, people!

"YOUR LOYAL FOOL"

{v1} Long destructive path
Wide winding road

Heading down this trail of dread,
Bound down to this truckbed,
Raindrops soaking my forehead

{bridge 1} No matter how hard I try to
Rattle these chains
The cagebars never bend
I CAN'T SEE CHANGE

{v2} Everything I long for
Just beyond my reach

I watch as it all pulls away,
Far away from me
My disease,
From the beginning,
Has cursed me {side note: in this song, cursed goes "KUR-SED" instead of how you'd normally say it)

{bridge 2} Even when I encounter
The One who breaks these chains,
'Tis not long 'til I'm tempted back to those same pains
HOW CAN I CHANGE?

{instrumental where song transistions to more of a traditional metal style}

{chorus} THESE ARE MY SLAVE CHAINS
[singing] That keep me bound
THE LIFE'S CONTROL, WE NEVER GAINED
[singing] You drag me on the ground
I AM NONE ABOVE YOUR...LOYAL FOOL
[singing] Your worthless tool
SO GOES THE WAYS,
OF MY SLAVE CHAINS, GO

{verse 3} The lies, the torture, the pain
'Twas me you slain
You always seem to treat this like
It's some sort of game
The reactions, the terrible blame,
The hideous words I heard you say
The last phrase into my ear,
Should my downfall be near,
And I'm still heading off towards the gloom
(Taking off for my doom)
HEADING OFF TOWARDS THE GLOOM
(TAKING OFF FOR MY DOOM YOU FORCED ON ME)

{chorus}
--------------
"AMAZING CURSE"

{verse 1} Many centuries in the past,
An angel had fallen from heaven fast
She had awoken on the ground, longing to return
Struggled hard through earthly pains
Until a good man found her
And took her under his wing

{bridge 1} He said:
"Don't worry; everything will be alright.
I will acquaint you with this world,
And follow your light.
I will protect you every single day
Until the time comes when we go our separate ways."

{v2} There she found refuge
For a time
Until she was left there,
Fighting for her life
It seemed things were back to their old ways
Until a brave knight raced in, swept her off her feet,
And rode off into the stormy haze!

{instrumental, song transitions from soft rock to energetic, slightly Dragonforce style}

{v3} That knight and the angel
They never have parted
Through mountains and valleys,
An endless journey had started
To see all the heavenly sights they could see
And maybe one day the man will bend his knee

{chorus} It's an amazing curse
Stuck with the one's undeserved
The wretched people, with the sweet, sweet angel
It's an amazing curse
Fallen down on the earth
Living on her own, and moving on

{v4} As they rode through
The wide open plains
-------Aaaaand that's all I have for verse 4 and the rest of the song right now. :P-------


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 Post subject: Re: Songs I've been writing
PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 11:50 pm 
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Guess what? It in fact WASN'T YLF that I finished recently. Last night I actually just spent a lot of time finishing up "Amazing Curse", and now I bring you in all its glory...THE FIRST ACTUAL COMPLETED SONG IN THIS THREAD!!! WHOOOO!

"AMAZING CURSE: AN ANTHEM OF S.E.G.
Dedicated to Sonia G.
----------
{verse 1} Many centuries in the past,
An angel had fallen from heaven fast
She had awoken on the ground, longing to climb back
Struggled hard,
Pushing on through earthly stings
Until a good Samaritan found her, and took her...
Under his wing
He said,
"Don't worry; everything will be alright.
I will acquaint you with this world,
And follow your light.
I will protect you every single day
Until the time comes when we go our...separate ways."

{v2} There, with him, she found refuge..for a time
But soon she was abandoned,
Fighting for her life
It seemed as if her steps had retraced,
Until a brave knight raced in, swept her off her feet,
And rode off into the stormy haze!

{instrumental, song transitions from soft rock to energetic, slightly Dragonforce style}

{v3} That knight and the angel
They never have parted
Through mountains and valleys,
An endless journey had started
To see all the heavenly sights they could see
And maybe, one day, the man will bend his knee

{chorus} It's an amazing curse
Stuck with the one's undeserved
The wretched people, with how sweet the angel
It's an amazing curse
Fallen down on the earth
Living on her own, and moving on

{v4} As they rode through
The beautiful mountain chains
Out of the corner of her eye
Was a troll soaked in rain.
Though the name in his heart sang to heaven,
His demon appearance cried out in pain!
He was:
The flawed seeking the flawless
The evil eyes in their staring sockets
Skeletal frame held tight the longing he had,
Through the night.
He was the one out of her eye's corner
He sent forth blessings to adorn her
But he was a troll; so pay no mind
He had no mind to offer her more than a gaze
But she's more than his reason to hang on his days!

{Chorus}

And they moved on!
The troll ran, he raced,
He struggled to keep up with the pace.
Dodging every sword, every mace,
Just to get a glimpse of her face
Ever since his first glance, the amazing curse was attached
Transformed the spur of the moment
Into visions of a lifetime ahead!

[guitar solo]

Either a nuisance or her hero,
Who can deny?
[softens up] All I can say through these yearning lips:
Sonia, you're my dream.
How can dreams be stolen away?

{pause, then song picks up again and...}

Oh, am I your amazing curse?
Is it I you deserve?
I know that I'm wretched, but I could be an angel
Such an amazing curse!
Keeping me down on this earth.
When you're living on your own, we'll be moving on
When you're living on your own,
When you're abandoned, all alone,
When you're living on your own, we'll be racing off!
--------------------------

*bows*


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